What Happened To Lisa?

Hello, my friends.  I'm certain many people are wondering what happened to me.  Lets take a step back in time, to the middle of February.

I had come out of a bit of a depression.  One of the lows I find myself in as being BiPolar.  For those who don't know this about me, I'm sorry.  Its something that has been with me so long that I figured everyone knew by now.  It not something I'm ashamed of or something I hide. I'm actually kind of proud about it.  Why?  Because, in all honesty, I'm good at it!!!  I am able to do a lot of things other BiPolar people cannot do!!!  I didn't rebound to a mania...  but I do like me a good mania <grin>...  I did, however start planning things in my life, eating better, moving more, getting Cassie involved in it all!!  Cassie?  She was doing awesome in our schooling, really retaining stuff!!  It was a new age and we were liking it!!!!  I was going to get my BiPass surgery to get rid of my diabetes!!  I bought a BIKE!!!!!  I quit smoking!!  I was on a roll!!!!

Then the breaks screeched and every thing came to a complete halt.

Shortly after I quit smoking, the headaches started.  And got worse.  I noticed my exhaustion returning.  But I couldn't go back to napping because when tried, I'd get restless leg syndrome all over my body and I'd have to get up and move.  But then I'd get exhausted and need to sit.  My sleep schedule gradually changed from going to bed at 10 and up at 6 to going to bed at 9:15 and getting up between 8 & 9.  Exhaustion, complete muscle fatigue.  Showering and walking to the mail box was an aerobic work out which left me wanting a nap.  Then the hearing started to go.  When people talked, including me, the distortion was such as it sounded like a serial killer on the phone demanding ransom.  That is when I went to the doctor.

"You are suffering from Migraines.  Lets just get an MRI to rule out a brain tumor and keep me from losing my license.  Don't take any pain meds with blood thinners, just in case, until we get the results."   Three days of pain later, I get the MRI, which induces a migraine, so I know the difference between the two types of pain..  I was told to go ahead and take an Excederine Migraine for the migraine.  The pain thats left over?

Welcome to Chiari Malformation!!!!!!!

What is Chiari (pronounced Key-arrrr- eeee) Malformation?  Its the bottom part of my brain (the cerebral tonsils) being pushed out of my brain, into my brain stem, and obstructing the flow of cerebral spinal fluid.  Can this kill me?  There are tons of other things that are going all, because the brain is the power house.  My thumb hurts today.  Its it the Chiari?  Could be!!!  A little extra pressure could pushing on that portion of my brain!!!!  Brain fog, loss of memory, balance, etc, every day is something new.  In less than 3 months I've gone from someone embracing life to thinking "If this is what my life will now be like, then I hope the prognosis IS death."  Alas, its not.  It CAN be...  it can effect heart, organs, etc.  The only treatment is surgery... and that is always a risk.

Surgery.  I'm looking at brain surgery and I'm hoping it will help.  BUT this is such a strange syndrome, there are few experts in the field.  So many people have been butchered by local surgeons, that they have no hope of leading a real life.  We've decided I'm worth much more than that and are saving all our money to travel to Maryland to see an internationally renowned specialist named Frasier Henderson.  We have our first appointment with him in June.

Until then, I will have good days where all I have is a headache, and I will have bad days where I'll end up in the emergency room because I can't stand or walk, and I collapse in the Federal Building.  All I ask is for your prayers for peace and healing.  They Lord may not have healing in my future, but really need peace to keep my sense of humor and to keep from getting really grumpy.

What if....

One of my homeschooling mentors, who goes by the pen-name "Ellie Mae", shared a statement from Operation Christmas Child on Facebook this morning.  It really got me thinking.  Before I expand on my thoughts, I want to say that I LOVE the name "Ellie Mae"!!  It brings on thoughts and images of a sweet lady in skirts, working her land, teaching her kids, and loving her Lord.  I really don't know my "Ellie Mae" in person, but I'm certain that is exactly who she is.  Yes.  I know her real name, but I can't bring myself to use it.  I know a person with that same name who I feel is a poser.  Someone who WANTS to be an Ellie Mae, but can't seem to get her crap together long enough to actually BE an Ellie Mae!  In case you read this, Ellie Mae, you and Donna are much more than my mentors....  you are also my heroes!!!!

ANYWAYS, I love Operation Christmas Child.  Its from an awesome group called Samaritan's Purse.  When I was in the Hudson Valley, our church youth group did a lot of fundraising for them.  I hope they still do.  (You can check them out on the web at http://www.samaritanspurse.org/occ).  The question posed was this:  "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"  My original knee jerk reaction was "OH CRAP!!!"  But then I thought more.

Yesterday I thought about a friend who is going through some very hard times.  I took a moment to thank the Lord for being with me through my hard times, and not giving up on me when I gave up on Him.

Yesterday, I think an internet friend of mine was mourning the anniversary of the loss of their child.  I thanked the Lord for the lives of my 3 kids, even if I cant see two of them as often as I'd like.

At one point, yesterday, I angrily decided to make cheeseburger macaroni for dinner.  Then realized that Pitman wouldn't care.  He likes it, so does Cassie.  I took a moment to thank the Lord for my husband.  I could have ended up with one who is an uptight perfectionist who expects the same from me.

Also, I took a handful of chocolate chips....  stress eating, bad juju... but I said "mmmm  Thank you, GOD, for chocolate!!"

During grace, I say the same thing over and over again.  "Thank you, Lord, for this meal and all of the other blessings you have provided for us.  We ask that you continue to watch over all of us, (I sometimes add "especially" when someone is in need), including those who aren't here at your table, bless us, lead us, and guide us, and let Your will be done."  Then I pass it on to Robert.  Cassie starts.  This is my attempt at family prayer time.  Its not Ellie Mae, but its all I've got.

So, it looks like I would have just as much today as I had yesterday.  But I plan to keep this in mind.  I'm also going to make sure I remember to thank the Lord for peanut butter.  I must have all my bases covered.....

Confession... I'm not perfect...

I have a major flaw in my brain.  Those closest to me know what it is.  My mother really needs some sort of award for dealing with this flaw through my teen years.  It could NOT have been easy.  Imagine that you have a 16 year old daughter, who has amazing ideas, who always takes the sentence "You can't do that" as a challenge.  My mom learned quickly, though, how my mind worked.  I think she tried to use it against me, but it probably didn't always work.  "You can't take auto shop", my Dad told me.  Boy, was he ticked when he got my report card and it said I had an B in Auto Shop.  hehehehe  Yeah, it really isn't easy having to deal with me at times.  My mother even told my ex-husband "The fastest way to get Lisa to do something is to tell her she can't do it".  He didn't learn.  After three years of him telling me what I couldn't do, I left.

So, recently I was having a problem with the dogs taking my covers while I was sleeping.  We have a king sized bed, and the bedding barely hung over the sides, and they'd steal my covers.  So, after months of brain storming, I told my mother my idea.  "I'm going to take 2 twins of everything, and sew them together and make new bedding."  Mom made a fatal error.  "You can't do that, it won't work".  Oh, really?

So, I dropped it.  I learned a LONG time ago, there is no arguing with my mother.  So, I did what I always have done in the past, and just did it anyways.  Rob was watching me every step of the way, trying to figure out what was going on in my mind.  Oh, I was a good girl.  I picked up a bright salmon (a pinky-orange for you guys who don't know your colors) sheet on clearance and said "I LOVE THIS!!!  We are going to use this in our new bedding, ok?"  I don't know what he said... but I did ask him.  Every time I put something together, he'd have this look that said "EWW!!  This is gonna suck, but if I say I don't like it, it will just get worse."

So, I took this:

And made THIS:

The comforter hangs off the edge a good foot or more, and last night I had blankets ALL NIGHT LONG!!!

Me: 1, Puppies ZERO!!!!

Oh, and sorry, Mom.  But I love you very, VERY much!!!!  If it weren't for the strong woman you are, I would never have the guts to be the strong woman I am.

Special Education: Its like comparing Apples to... umm.. Androids.

As all my friends know, I'm immersed in a strange world called Autism.  I thought I knew a lot about it, but I have learned so much more.  I was considered a "Great TA" in my time in public schools... but I wish I knew then what I know now.  The most important lesson is that people on the ASD spectrum can NOT think and feel at the same time.  So, when I'm having an intense discussion with Pitman, and I ask him how he feels about something, he truly does NOT know!  Why?  He's too busy thinking to access his feelings.

Recently, I was given the computer analogy that people with Autism have a different operating system than people who aren't.  The more I've thought of it, I realized its even more than that.  Its a-whole-other proprietary hardware system, also!  What does that mean?  Let me explain it to you.

The Autie's brain is physically different from NT's.  (Autie= my term for people with Autism, NT=Neuro-Typical or simply everyone else)  The nerve thingies that send messages through out the brain (mainly front to back) do not have as many connections as a "normal" brain.  Yes, the messages may eventually get to where they are going, but it will take longer and the message might get a little messed up.  So, its not about running a Windows 8 program on a Windows XP, its actually more like trying to run Microsoft Word for XP on a Macintosh.

Wait, Lisa, you are talking nonsense!!  You can't do that!!

 Exactly.

And Special Education needs to realize that.  Everything from teaching to discipline MUST be different for Auties than it is for the mainstream.  These kids need to learn not only academics, but how to interface in an Android world.  It sounds like an impossible task, but its one that every Autie Mommy (and wife) has taken on to ensure the success of our loved ones.

Wow.  We are taking on a task that Bill Gates and Steve Jobs couldn't even do.  Yes, we ARE amazing.  And the chances of any of us becoming millionaires is slim.  

Reminiscing and Looking Forward

Its New Years Eve.  The day we say goodbye to an old year and welcome in a new one.  This leaves some people sad, some happy, some excited.  To me, its just another day.  Maybe I've become hardened.  Maybe I've become a realist.  But, I have "Become".  This year has brought so much into my life.  Some felt bad at the time, some felt good at the time.  Sometimes the good ended up being bad, and the bad ended up being good.  I've noticed a huge change in myself and the loved ones who currently live under my roof.  The roof we were blessed to buy this year, the roof which is currently leaking in my bathroom.  Good and Bad.

Cassie in NYC, in front
of the Ball!!

I've decided I like the change.  What was it?  Acceptance.  I have accepted my husband for who he is.  I've finally thrown out all those dreams and ideas I thought marriage should be.  Have I settled?  Not at all.  See, I've noticed that since I've accepted him for who he IS, I'm finding him working hard to become a better person.  I have accepted my youngest daughter, Cassie, for who she is and gave up on who I had hoped she'd become.  Have I given up on her?  Not a chance.  I still challenge her to grow, and grow she is!!

Since pulling her out of public school, and teaching her in a manner that she can comprehend, she can now tell you not only WHY we won the revolutionary war, but she can also tell you how we almost lost it on many occasions!!  She is now in charge of figuring out how much to tip the waiter or waitress at the restaurant.  Math facts that she couldn't do in her head before, she's now spouting out.  Why?  She is accepted, loved, and feels safe.  Now if I could just get her to read a book!! But that will come in time.

I would like to share a few things I have come to realize.  Life is about choices.  A teacher at Rondout High School, Mr. Thomas, told his kids that once.  I never realized how simple and important that lesson is.  That is my mantra.  Seriously... think about it!!  We ALWAYS have a choice.  When you hear someone say "I didn't have a choice", they are lying.  They just didn't LIKE the OPTIONS that were given when they MADE the choice they did.   I challenge you to be honest with yourself and if you honestly can not find the choice in a life event, ask me.  You may not like it, and I do have a problem with being too honest, but everything that happens we are responsible, because a choice we made brought us to it.

There are a few choices I've decided to make.  Resolutions?  No.  Choices.  I like being in control and I feel by making a choice, I have control.  I choose to accept responsibility for all my actions.  I choose to never be the victim.  I choose to say no to drama.  I choose to be positive.  I will find the stupid silver lining on everything.  The way I see it, I will fake it until I make it.  I may not do anything more than to annoy those around me... and I'm ok with that.  Annoying people is kind of fun.  So, people, and I told a friend earlier today, "You've got to accentuate the positive.  Eliminate the negative. Latch on to the affirmative. Don't mess with Mister In-Between".  

Why I Never Get Anything Done

Wow.  I've had the perfect Pitman kind of day!!  And I realized that it may or may NOT be my fault that I never get anything done.  I have a simple day planned out, and I never accomplish what I planned!  Today is a perfect example of that.  I had planned to send a report to our Autism Psychologist, go to our Autism Consultant meeting, pick up one last gift for Daddy, then pick up some groceries.  Come home, and make some more Christmas cookies.  See?  Simple.  Or is it?

I had to download a program so I could scan the stuff into the computer so I could send it...  accidentally downloaded the wrong program (ended up being from China...), found the right program, downloaded it, realized I had run out of time and forgot to eat breakfast.  Grabbed the kid, some snickerdoodles for breakfast, the other stuff we needed and ran out of the door without our Aldi's grocery bags --big no no.  Missed my turn but made it to the appointment in time.  During the appointment I realized, when Cassie pointed out to me that we needed to eat lunch, that I'd have to put lunch into the mix.  We went to KFC, and I've realized there are no decent KFCs in CNY.  The service here sucks.

Made it to Aldi's, realized I didn't have a list, and just decided to wing it.  I forgot more butter.  Bought some bags to bring it home.  Got home and realized the driveway was a slushy mess, so I had to shovel.  Came back in the house and realized I still needed to put the groceries away.  Put the groceries away, sat down to scan the documents, and realized I had to finish installing the program.  As I was doing that, and getting ready to scan, Cassie hollers that we have a leak in the ceiling of our bathroom.  I calmed her down, checked it out, and she was right.  As she was "indisposed on the toilet", I chose to go back later to see if it was wet, or an old leak we just missed.  Went to scan in the documents, realized I needed to in-dispose myself also, and while I was in there I remembered I needed to go touch the upstairs bathroom ceiling.  Then Marley came in to tell me he REALLY needed to go frolic in the snow some more.  So I took them out, sat down to scan the documents, and remembered about the upstairs ceiling.  So I went up, and yes, it is wet.  Cassie said she knew it was wet because it dripped on her... TWICE!!  <sigh>  Step-Brother said I needed to get an electrician in ASAP to move the light, so Cassie and I figured out which breaker it was and just turned it off for now.

I get back to the computer, only to find out that my report hasn't been attached yet.  So, I cancel it and start over.  Then I find out that Cassie is about to starve to death again, so I have to start dinner.  Thats when I think about this blog.  So, I start dinner, start the blog, and finish dinner, eat dinner, and now finish the blog.  It is now 6pm.  My report still has not attached to the email so I can send it.  I still have no more freakin' cookies made, and I'm wondering where my day went and why its not bedtime yet.  Meanwhile, I still need to feed the dogs and let Marley romp in the snow for a few more times.

CRAP!!!  I also just found out that Christmas is only a few days away and I have to clean my house.  <sigh>  So, is it my fault or not that I never get anything done?

Me & My Shadow, Strollin' Down the Boulevard!

Cassie and I have been more inseparable the past few weeks than usual.  In case anyone has forgotten, Pitman is working in New York City until December 22.  Cassie and I made the trip to NYC to visit with him, where all these cute pictures have come from.  But the trip isn't the focus on today's blog.  People have been worried about me.  "You need some ALONE time!!"  "You need some FUN in your life!!"  Oh, and my favorite "You seem to be lacking JOY!"  

Cassie and her Metro Card

Oh, really?  It is obvious that many people do not realize what goes on in our household.  See, Cassie and I do spend a lot of time together.  But she also spends time by herself.  Just the other day, I interacted with her for probably a total of 2 hours, THE WHOLE DAY!!  Actually, I kind of missed the little sprite!!   But then we have days like today.

Cassie and I left the house at 11:30 for an appointment with our psychologist, Cynthia.  We love Cynthia, but there were still issues because we usually see her at NIGHT, with DADDY, and the timing threw Cassie.  But she fought through it.  I was going to print off the directions of how to get there (Daddy usually drives), and Cassie assured me she knew how to get there.  I had actually hurt her feelings when I said I'd print out the directions just in case.  So, we compromised.  I brought the big Syracuse map along, and if we got lost, we'd use it.  I kid you not!!  We got there with NO PROBLEMS!!!  This gift she has still amazes me!!!

Terrorizing the
Animals at
FAO Schwartz

But the entertainment really started when we got to lunch.  She loves to do the activities on the kids menus.  There were Tic Tack Toe games.  She and I played 2 games of Tic Tac Toe on the train, and I told her I just dont understand it.  I said it again today!  "I just cant figure out how to play this game!  No one ever WINS!!" and she responded "Well, one player has to be smarter than the other."  Oh, yeah, snot.  See if we play THIS again anytime soon!!!!

Cassie by the old
escalators at
Macy's!

Then we were shopping for Christmas presents and she found "Miracle on 34th Street".  See, we watched the movie before we went to NYC.  She really tried to enjoy it.  I think she enjoyed it a little, but she really couldn't get into it because of one little detail.... its was in Black and White.  "I don't LIKE black and white movies, because its like its all wrong!"  But, imagine her surprise when she saw it on DVD in color.  "FINALLY!!!" she hollers out of no where.  I ask her what and she holds it up.  "They finally PUT COLOR in it!!!"  She was so relieved and excited, I couldn't help but to laugh!!!  But, alas, we got to the point where we'd been in the store just a little longer than desired.  "Lets get moving... I have a dead line to keep."  And I just about wet myself.  

Me & My Shadow!

This is normal for us.  We do a LOT of laughing.  Ok, I do a lot of laughing because of the things Cassie says and does.  How could anyone look at us and say I have no fun or joy in my life?  AND if the Lord wanted me to have "alone time", He wouldn't have given me the child He gave me, or the circumstances that caused us to choose home schooling for her.  But I appreciate the fact that I have so many people looking out for me.  It just goes to prove how totally blessed I really am!!!