My Life is an Open Book, Dare You Read It?

I may or may not regret posting this, but you know...  I'm tired.  I'm tired of people judging.  I'm tired of being told I'm being crazy.  No, actually I'm not.  I'm tired of being brushed off because I'm ACTING crazy.      There is a huge difference between acting crazy and being crazy.

See, I am mentally ill.  I suffer from Bi-Polar Depression, and it is considered a mental illness.  I know this fact bothers some in my family, and its taboo to talk about it.  Well, guess what...  it, just like alcoholism, is genetic.  Well, most of my family ignore THAT fact too.  My father was an alcoholic.  Its common knowledge that people with an "altered" mental state self-medicate.  Knowing now what I do, I 100% believe that my father was Autistic.  But, man, could he fake fitting in in public!!  At home?  He sucked.  But you know what?  A LOT of us are 100% different at home than we are in public.  In my "old age", I've come to say "screw it".  I've been tired of trying to fit in, so I've stopped.  Right, wrong or indifferent, its easier to hide at home.  I like my home.  Its cute, small, and as close to a "hug" as I ever want to get.  But I've recently been told that I'm not supposed to be this way, and its time for a medication change.

Yes.  I am on prescription medication for my "issues", and they only work for so long.  Then you have to put yourself through absolute hell to find another one that allows you to function.  Serious.  Not exaggerating.  I have to take medication to actually get my butt out of bed and stay away from things that will take me out of this world sooner than the Lord desires.  I've tried going off them, and my family asked me to go back on.  So, I did.  And now I have to change them.

The worst part is not knowing if the fire ants crawling through my veins are from the new meds or the withdrawl from the old meds.  Same with the feeling I'm either going to cry or throw up.  Kind of sounds like quitting smoking or stopping drinking, huh?

Speaking of smoking, that is my self-medication of choice.  Some people over eat, some people drink, some people have lots of sex, by themselves or with others.  All these items are self medication.  All these items can (and do) become addictions.  The difference between me and someone who drinks wine nightly (or binge drinks on weekends), or reads Shades of Gray (or any other porn), is that smoking is considered bad for you.  Fine.  Its bad for me.  So is the wine, the porn, or the bag of chips eaten nightly.  I've never had a porn or alcohol addition, but I have a food addiction that I fight.  Daily.  I'm also a compulsive over-eater.  THAT, thank the Lord, is being controlled at the moment... but who knows when I'll "fall off the wagon" again.

So, I'm fighting depression, which society (and my brother) believe shouldn't be discussed in public.  I'm fighting a food addiction (winning only hour by hour).  I'm battling Autism (trust me, its a battle).  The economy is hitting us hard and I will have to quite my self-medication of choice (which I'm really fighting hard against).  And I'm also battling society and homeschooling my special needs child because of the bullying and attitude of other kids in the community.  On top of that, I'm switching meds, withdrawling from one and starting another that my body may or may not tolerate.

Think about it.  Is it REALLY that bad that I'm hiding out?  If I do see you, I will apologize now if I throw up on you or start crying hysterically.  This, along with every other moment of my TV Sitcom Life, we will laugh about a few years down the road.  I can promise that.