WARNING: Cervical Collar Hauntings are on the RISE!!!

I understand that doctors, are a bit busy and highly educated.  The rest of us probably aren't as bright.  Few of us couldn't light up a cardboard box at noontime.  I may fall in the latter category, because I was almost killed by a cervical collar. So, would it really hurt them to give us some kind of in-service on how to use the previously mentioned cervical collar?

First of all, I'm told to wear it to see if it helps my symptoms, because my skull is sliding around on my spinal column.  Hm..  that actually explains a lot, don't you think?  So, if the collar helps, then Dr. Henderson knows my C1 and C2 vertebrae need to be fused.  I think this will keep my head from falling off.... which would be a cooler party trick than popping out my belly button that time I was pregnant with Steve.    But I digress.  They gave us this bag with the collar and said "use it".  Rob and I decided that spending our one night alone in a hotel room, after the day we had, putting together this odd looking torture contraption that has been made illegal in Guantanamo Bay (which we found out was in Cuba while playing Crossword on the Nook) sounded like a good time.  When we got back to the hotel room after dinner, we basically passed out.  So, first thing in the morning he told me to lay down on the bed, and I told him we had to get on the road.  He laughed and grabbed the collar.  He said "the directions say to place the velcro straps between the ear and the trapezius.  What is the trapezius?"  I told him its what the Flying Wollenda's use at the circus.  He said that was a trapeze.  I told him I didn't have a trapeze, and even if I did, we still didn't have time for intimacy, as we needed to get on the road.  Of course, he wasn't amused... so I told him it was the shoulder muscle, and we got the thing on.  Man, its a pain in my butt.  But I didn't think it was dangerous.  Where is where you must get the small children and those easily scared to stop reading.  You see....  my Visa Collar, the #1 selling cervical collar....  is possessed.

First of all, it made me snore so bad last night, my throat hurts.  It felt like something kept dropping down INSIDE my throat, and closing off my air way.  I fought the feeling being smothered from the inside to the point of biting the crap out of my tongue.  I will get the new "nasal pillows" I need to use my sleep apnea machine (that has been in the closet for over a year) and see if that helps.  If not, then I wont sleep in my Vista Collar because I'm certain the evil spirit living in it is really trying to kill me.

The other issue is just as dangerous...  see, I really can't look down well, and I live with a Dachshund.  I'm thinking about getting him a suit of armor so it doesn't hurt Marley as much when I step on him.  Now if I can just figure out how to save ME when I trip OVER him I'd feel a little better about things.   Maybe the collar WANTS me to trip and fall... maybe its not just at night time that has tried to kill me!!  I have so much to think about.......