Closure Part II

Ok, that was a bald-faced lie.  See, I checked my stats and saw that yesterday's blog yielded 73 hits.  WOW!!!  That was the most I'd ever had!!  I do feel much better, since I also changed some of my Facebook Settings and don't have to feel poison flow throw my veins when certain names pop up.  Its like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  Very cathartic!

Cassie, resting peacefully,
with Rob's big foot in the picture,
Marley's fox,
and the fact I really
need to put pictures up on my wall.

But, as proof that life goes on, my Cassie decided to remind me of her presence in my hectic life.  Umm...  Cassie?  If you want attention, all you have to do is ask.  We can do without the theatrics!!  What theatrics, you ask?  Well, we went to the MOST, which is an awesome hands on science museum here in Syracuse.  It was my fault.  There were these huge stairs, at the entrance of a traffic circle, that I thought was the entrance.  So we climbed the stairs, realized it wasn't the entrance, turned to walk back down, and Cassie missed a step.  The poor little girl went down.  She hit her tailbone on the edge of a stone step, bounced, and landed on the step below, breaking her fall with her hand.  What happened next is very common in cute little Autie's with high pain thresholds... since there was no blood, she continued on with life.

She had a blast at the MOST, she had fun at our friend Ben's party afterwards, but when she woke up after the adrenaline of the night had worn off...  OWIEEE!!!!  So I took her to urgent care.  She has broken her tailbone and sprained her wrist.  But I learned a lot during our stay at the new Golisano Pediatric After Hours Center.  First of all, we arrived at 10:45am on a Sunday morning.  They didn't open until noon.  <sigh>  But the place was quiet and nice.  The people were outstanding and bent over backwards for Cassie, so I can't complain.  While we were waiting, they even had a TV that she could choose from different shows.  She chose "Thats So Raven".  But we did have to hit the reality that we were at a hospital in the city.

Cassie was in getting her Xrays and I was sitting in the hall, talking to my LeeAnne on the phone, when they brought him in.  The "they" were 2 big cops.  The "him" was the dude with the messy hair who was wearing handcuffs.  I was so glad Cassie wasn't out there at that moment.  The girl, trying so hard to be brave, while being in discomfort, watching 2 cops coming in with a "Perp", would really have lost it.

Oh, and the many times I end up with some member of my family in Urgent Care, who's name is really an oxymoron, you'd think I'd remember to bring snacks.  By the time 1:30 hit, the only thing keeping me from running out of the room, hollering "SOMEONE GET ME A SAMMICH!!!!" was the fact that Cassie was also whining that she was hungry, and I didn't want to share a sandwich.  But, they did give her a red Popsicle!!

And I've also found out that there is nothing cuter than Cassie, saying in many different voices "I broke my Coccyx!" adding that coccyx is a funny word.  But, as she explained to Daddy, it wasn't her fault.  See, she was stressed and over excited and she got distracted, which made her fall and bounce on the stairs.  See why I love this child?  She didn't blame ME, either!!!!!

Getting My Need for Closure

Before I begin my story, I need to put out a disclaimer. This posting is not for anyone who does not want to relive the heartwrenching experiences of a year ago. Here is your opportunity to close this out and walk away. I will wait.

dee te dee te.... lalalla.....dee te teee.... la la...

Ok. I hope that was enough time. I am not writing this to open old wounds. I'm writing this to close mine. And to tell my side of the story. I will be leaving out a lot of details, because I won't go into a "He said, She said" debate, just the facts as they affected me, my marriage, my family, and my beliefs. 

Over a year ago, my husband fell in love with another woman. He stated that while there was a day they planned to turn their relationship physical, he chickened out and it never did. As there is no way of knowing the truth, I excepted that explanation, we talked, sought therapy, and worked things out. I have forgiven him, but I have not forgotten. I still carry the hurt he caused, but I just turned it into part of the large wall I'm erecting around me. But there is more to the story. See, the woman he carried on this emotional affair with was my friend, one of my best friends. We will call her Kristy.

When I was preparing to move upstate, she was all gushy and lovey, and huggy. "Oh this will be so GREAT!!!" She said we'd go shopping, get pedicures, go on Girls Nights Out, etc. I was so looking forward to that, because in my adulthood, I've never had a "girl friend" like that. I found out later that while she was saying all these things, she was involved with my husband. She even helped me move from downstate to upstate. I don't know if she ever felt friendly to me or if it was all an act. It looks like I will never know.

After it happened, I repeatedly asked her all the why & how questions. She wouldn't answer. She just wanted to go back to the way it was. I tried. Thats when the blow-offs started, and I realized she didn't want to go back to the way things were, she just wanted me gone. She said once that I won and to leave it at that. But I needed the closure.

Kristy was married to a man I have the utmost love and respect for. He is probably the reason I accepted Kristy so readily into my life. To say I would do anything in the world for him, its an understatement. Its also an understatement to say I feel I owe my life to this guy. As her meanness toward me got worse, I informed her she needed to tell her husband what went on between her and MY husband.... she insisted I was trying to kill her husband. Less than a week later Rob told him about the relationship. Less than a week after that, Kristy left him and moved in with another man, also married and a close friend of her family. I understand they are living happily ever after. My dear friend has also found a new woman who makes him very happy. Robert and I have put that part of our lives behind us.

The problem? She was my friend. Its bad enough when your husband falls in love with another woman. But when that woman is your FRIEND, its a double pain. When your man hurts you, you turn to your friends to help you through it.... but what do you do when they cause it? How do you get over that kind of pain? Closure helps. But every time I ask her, it invokes the fight or flight response. So, I let it go for a while. I recently asked her one more time. I figured after a year, she's happy, her soon to be ex is happy, whats the big deal, right? No response. Ok. I dont like it, but I can deal. What I didn't expect was the immediate, immature Facebook posts. Making fun of my napping, saying "Some people need to realize they aren't all that" immediately after I post that I'm awesome. Oh, and my favorite, insinuating my hypocrisy because my skeletons are coming out of my closet. No, I can't prove all of this is pertaining to me. But I have never believed in coincidences, and having their comments posted, and seemingly related to, things I have commented, looks pretty darned suspicious. Oh, then there was the comment where she said: "dont hold your breath...oh...on second though...please do. and dont respond. Im so done. Maybe you should go take a nap.", when I told her I was waiting for my enlightenment. 

Now, I know what most of you saying. Me? HYPOCRITICAL? Yeah! I know, RIGHT? I laughed, too. Skeletins in my closet? That is another good laugh!!! See, I have no secrets, I say nothing behind someones back I wouldn't or haven't already said to their face. Its not like I haven't TRIED to talk to her, to mend things. But she has made it clear that she has no desire to do so. My Mom keeps telling me that I have to deal with the fact that in life, I will come across people who don't like me. I still find it hard to digest. I'm a freakin' sweetheart, and a blast to be with!!! Why wouldn't everyone love me?!?! Well, they dont. And some feel the need to try to tear me down. Mom always told me those people did that because they were jealous. So, I guess I will let "Kristy" continue to trash talk and giggle like a high schooler. I'm too old to pass for a teenager any more. 

I will now consider this chapter in my life closed, make the hurt she caused into a few more bricks, and add them to the wall. Thank you, my friends, for allowing me this opportunity to heal.

ROAD TRIP

I started posting in my Autism Connections Support group Facebook page, then I realized this would make a good blog.  So, I'm here.  Its hard to post so often when there really isn't much going on in my life.  So when something different happens, I get excited.  Whether it will be good or bad, its still kind of exciting.


We leave tomorrow morning, 6am, for a day trip from hell.  We are moving my son, Steve, from Philadelphia to Brooklyn and then heading home.  Pitman has taken the day off of work at my request.  I knew he wouldn't have a problem with it.  See, he hates if I go on any adventure by myself.  I'm glad he's going because he's a bull moose when it comes to moving things (he picks things up and puts them down) and he'll insist on driving.  I'm not sure what bothers me more, though...  Riding with him while he drives in New York City, or driving his truck in NYC myself!!


You see, my Baby Boy has gone and gotten himself a job in New York City!!  He should be so proud of himself, because we are proud of him!!  He gets to leave Benny's, WaWa, Chilis, and all the other places behind him and enter the adult world of CAREER instead of job!!!  He has come a long way on a very difficult road, and this Mom couldn't be happier!!!

Regardless, it comes to about 12 hours in the car.  There is not enough ANYTHING to keep a kid occupied in a car for 12 hours.  Let alone an autistic kid.  I asked Rob last night how far he thinks we'll get before I'm ready to throw myself out of the moving truck.  He thinks I'll make it to the PA border, or at least out of the driveway.

As everyone knows, we've had some changes in our financial status, and money is very tight.  So I've informed my loved ones we'll be doing this trip in the Dunlap fashion.  Meaning we will NOT buy any food while we are out.  There is an exception...  if I'm able to conveniently get a Slurpee, we are stopping.  I love Slurpees.  I even have a song about how much I want them.  I will sing it to Pitman and he will roll his eyes.  But I think he secretly loves the songs I make up and sing to him.  ANYWAYS....  I have to get busy this morning making muffins to take with us for breakfast.  I need to make some extra to give to Steve, too.  I will also be making some Chocolate Chip cookies.  Then comes the sandwiches.  I informed Rob and Cassie that during the trip they WILL be referred to as "Eggie Weggie" and "Tuney Wooney".    That caused more giggling and eye rolling.  You guess which family member did what.  I did not tell them that I was not making the 3rd, and my favorite, "Hammy Wammy".  I've also decided to make an Italian Pasta Salad, because Cassie will eat that, too.  Then there is the cooler of ice water.  I go no where without my ice water, especially when we are looking at 90 degree weather with heat indexes.  


So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on our own "Boilermaker Marathon" tomorrow.  I truly hope the Lord blesses us with a safe journey where I'm able to deal with 12 hours of being enclosed in a small box with Rob and Cassie, and that I really can make it out of the driveway without throwing myself out of the moving vehicle.

Today I am 45.

Today is my birthday.  At 5:56am I turned 45.  I hate birthdays.  I hate getting over.  I feel this is the birthday that marks the milestone that my life is 1/2 over.  <pout>  its very sad.  very sad.  But I could be wrong.  I could die tomorrow in a horrific tree cutting accident.  That is even sadder because, with the exception of 3 wonderful children, I really have nothing to show for it.

Birthdays haven't always sucked.  I remember my 6th birthday.  My mom took me and a bunch of friends to see Cinderella in the movie theater.  We didn't do movies or parties very often, and this was HUGE for me!! Oh, by the way, I AM Cinderella.  The person who wrote "Wicked" also wrote a book about the alternate story of Cinderella. I will NOT read this for fear of realizing I'm, I mean Cinderella, isn't as innocent as I thought.  But I digress.  We are talking birthdays.  For some reason, I also correlate getting my EasyBake Oven on this day, but I could be mistaken.

Birthdays started sucking when I turned 16.  I had an AWESOME surprise 16th Birthday, thrown for me by my very well meaning friends.  But, see, it has always been hard to surprise me, and I started picking up on something being wrong a few weeks before.  They started treating me different and I thought I was losing my best friend.  Then my mom took me to the mall to buy me a pair of Manisha pants.  You probably don't know what these were, but they were HUGE in my school and I was excited to actually wear something in style.  But, me being who I am, I got Hawaiian shirts, too.  hehehhehe  I've always had my own fashion style!  On the way to the mall, I saw Christine and Cathy in the car together and felt like an outcast.  It's MY birthday, and they were too busy to spend it with ME!!!  I felt like an idiot on my return, as they all (including a friend, Jimmy, who rode his bicycle from Utica to Clayville) jumped out and yelled "Happy Birthday"!!!!  This was one of the 2 true happy surprises that people have ever pulled on me.  I'm still mad and love Christine for it.

I remember spending my 24th Birthday working at the drag race strip with my ambulance partner.  He handed me a container of Pringles Sour Cream & Onion potato chips and said "Happy Birthday".  I proceeded to cry for an hour, babbling about how my life sucked and I didn't see it getting any better.  So I made some changes and spent my 25th birthday in the hospital with my brand new baby girl, now being a single mom of 2 kids.

My 30th was full of mixed feelings.  My friends gave me a small, intimate gathering that I attended after dropping my kids off at the airport to go to Texas to visit their biological father for the summer.  That was an interesting summer.  I had a nervous breakdown.

The next birthday that stands out was my 33rd.  I just had yet another beautiful baby girl.  Steve, my awesome son, and his friend Mike brought me a birthday cake they bought at Stewarts.  That was one of the few cakes I've gotten as an adult.  Which is sad, because we all know how much I love CAKE!!!  Then there was my 40th.  I did get flowers... from a friend who lived in Rochester.  Then I spent the evening arguing with Pitman, through text messages, because he went to the race track to "help with a buddy's car".

I was SUPPOSED to have a party last year... but I wont go into that one.  But here I am, 45.  I really wish there were no birthdays.  Just like school dances, Valentines Day, proms and weddings, we are seasoned to have all sorts of beliefs that they are somehow magical.  They aren't.  They are just another day, even though you may or may not get presents and CAKE!!!!  I think that's the whole thing.  Cake.  There is something about cutting into something sweet and delicious with your name on it.  I think the CAKE is the secret to happy birthdays.  Do your loved ones a favor and make sure they get a cake every year on their birthday!!!!  But if you're going to invite me, please stay away from the fondant.  Yes, it looks pretty but I like the thick sicky sweet frosting!!   I think I will stop on my way home from galivanting with my mom and buy myself a cake!!!!  Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!

Setting the Record Straight

I was recently told I "hold on to things too long".  Well, I have a scar on my knee that I've had since the 5th grade.  I can't get rid of it and I'm still afraid of it being damaged.  When I did it, they told me if it broke open, I'd be in trouble because there was no tissue left to sew together.  I know now there are ways around that with skin grafts, but at the time I was little.  Well, fear and pain still affect me the same way.  Some people have brick walls built around them...  I have fragile scar tissue I protect at all costs.

So, I'm sorry if I cant forget the fact that you said I would be the only one then gave your love to another.  I'm sorry that I cant forget that after all I did in the name of friendship, you could throw it away when I had to change jobs.  I'm sorry that I finally had to say no after all those times you took, took, took and never gave anything in return.  I'm sorry that after all the promises you made of great things that I can not forget that, instead, you took the last thing in the world I believed in.  I'm sorry the abuse you put me through, both physical and verbal, are still with me.  I regret that I still get angry at the thought that I've kept my mouth shut all the times I've felt attacked out respect for the one who loves you.

Because of the scars these items have left, and the fear and pain those scars represent, I have taken less and less risk in my life.  Do I hold on to things too long?  I don't believe so.  I just feel I'm not stupid and that I learn from my mistakes.  If I get a little reckless and stupid, I catch a glimpse of that scar, see how it measures up with what I'm doing now, and decide whether to continue or pull back.  Its proven history repeats its self, and there are some things in my life I refuse to repeat.  If I appear secluded and "holding on to things too long", I'm not.  I'm just using common sense.

Oh, and one more thing.  I have not mentioned anything specific to anyone who may read my blog.  So, if you see yourself in any of the above instances, I wasn't talking about you.  I wont bore you with the details and the names, but I can assure you that nobody listed here even KNOWS I have a blog.  Oh, and if you are a creepy stalker from my past who I am actually talking about?  Thank you for making me stronger and my Karma bite you in the butt.

You wont find what you are looking for here....

I know I need to blog.  Sometimes its more of a chore than a joy though.  See, I've spent all weekend alone, as Rob took Cassie to the "Lake House" for the weekend.  I can't post any pictures of it, as I do not have any.  Its a cute log cabin in Indian Lake that his parents own.  Its a Pitman thing, I guess, and even though I've been a Pitman for as long as I was a Richards, I don't fit in.  But, I'm not here to whine about that.  I'm here to whine about other things.  For instance, why is it when I'm all alone, I still get nothing done?  I feel like I've wasted my whole weekend alone.

But mostly what I want to whine about it the fact that I feel I can not say what I really feel because if people's feelings.  I really wish I could be one of those people who didn't care about hurting others.  Do you realize how easy life would be if I could just blurt out any old thing I wanted to?  I probably wouldn't have the heartburn that has been plaguing me lately.  Hell, have you ever heard of cottage cheese giving someone heartburn?  Actually, I'm thinking its all these pregnant women around me that is causing it.  I do have sympathy pains for everyone I come in contact with.

That's another thing.  Why do I feel the pain of others?  Why on earth can't I just go through life all "La de da de da" and not give a flying Flip Wilson about others?  Instead I get to worry about their feelings AND I get to feel their emotional and, sometimes, physical pain.  As if MINE weren't enough?

So, my weekend of seclusion and quiet was short visited.  It was nice that Cassie was able to call and not cry once.  That makes me feel good.  I keep thinking if it goes well, they'll go more often.  I'm an awful person and everyone needs to realize this.

Been a while..... again.....

So, in case there are one or two people that do not know this, I suffer from Bi-Polar disorder.  I'm open to discuss this at any time.  I'm tired of the stigmas and the bias against mental illness and refuse to have that aspect held against me.  I've actually had people be more open and accepting of Gays, Homophobes, and even democrats than they are of us mentals.  But, there you have it.  One of the problems is when I'm very down, or very up, I can seem to get to my blog.  So, I'm writing this because I'm tired of people hollering at me for not blogging.  Oh, please don't STOP hollering if I stop blogging!!!  Its really the best form of therapy that I have.... and it shows me that people miss me when I disappear!!

I'm also homeschooling, in case you forgot.  This week has been a homeschooling bust.  But, I have a year (starting July 1st) to get Cassie through 7th grade curriculum, so I'm not worried.  When I mentioned to my mom that this week is a bust, she says "But are you following the standards?"  That made me realize that people really do not understand what it takes to be a home schooler.  My standards?

For grades seven and eight: English (two units); history and geography (two units); science (two units); mathematics (two units); physical education (on a regular basis); health education (on a regular basis); art (one-half unit); music (one-half unit); practical arts (on a regular basis) and library skills (on a regular basis). The units required herein are cumulative requirements for both grades seven and eight.

Cassie and her new Swim Suit!

There you have it.  I have to school her for 990 hours on what you read there.  Oh, if you search harder, you find that the history & geography is NYS history and constitution, and US history and constitution.  I still cant figure out the science, and the math is basically just continue to practice and master what she's been doing for the past few years.  English?  Read everything and write it about it.  There you have it.  Home schooling.  So far we found we love field trips.  They can fall into so many different categories!!!  For instance, we did a LOT of math and life skills on Tuesday and Wednesday, when we went shopping to spend her gift cards.  She even learned how to make an exchange!!!!  And I also found out she's a bargain hunter like her mom.  That's how she walked out of Penny's with a 2 piece swimsuit and a kick ass dress for $40!!!!

Gert and her Hat

But, I really couldn't figure out how to work in today's field trip to pick berries.  When my Mom's best friend, Gert (actually Marilyn, long story.....) showed up wearing a wonderful hat, going on about how she bought a bottle of water and took a wrong turn which is why she was late (and being she was only about 5 minutes late, that is actually EARLY for her....), I realized there was no way.  We saw berries, weeds, a baby slug, and more rear-ends of older chunky women than I want to remember myself.  But, my Mom tried to support my homeschooling agenda.  "Hey, Cassie, this is how they did it in the Colonial Days!  See, they didn't have stores they could go in to buy their food, they had to grow it themselves!"

Mom, stuck on her
Berry Picking Bucket.

I really should support my mother when she tries to support me.... but I couldn't.  I was tired, sore, the sun was on my back, and my mouth opened and out came "That's right.... they went to the local "U-Pick" and got them there!!!"  Boy, did I get in trouble for that one.....  But I have it all under control.  We talked about her vocabulary words on the way home.....  and she got 2 of them mixed up and tried to spell "Hipponerous."  That's when I decided that a useless week every once in a while is ok.  And I'm also wondering if a week long marathon of "Glee" can be counted as "Music".......