The Art of Seduction

"We need more sucking up"

Pretty Woman is hailed as one of the greatest romantic movies of our time.  It is full of seduction and makes the ovaries of many women just twitch at the title.  But, thinking about the "why" of it, which I tend to over think, I've made a huge discovery.  First of all, He was seduced by her sweet innocence.  I know, she was a hooker, and how innocent can hookers be?  Well, the script was so well written that during her career she learned street smarts, but kept her sweet innocence.  Men like that.  I think its because its easy to exploit.  But Richard Gere's character didn't exploit her.  He did the most seductive thing a man can do.  He tried to meet her every need and keep her safe.  In fact, one of the most romantic parts of the movie was when they went shopping.  Men, Julia Roberts, in all honesty, was not seduced by the thousands of dollars he spent on her.  She was uncontrollably drawn to the fact that the one line "They weren't nice to me" made him angry.

But he did not take his anger out on her.  He didn't take his anger OUT on anyone.  Instead, of complaining, he "fixed" the situation.  He took her to the store, and "encouraged" the clerks to be nice to her.  He took time off from work to make sure that She and the store people knew that she was worthy.  There you have it.  If you want your woman to see you as a hero, you need to be one.  Every woman is different, though.  You can not use the same techniques over and over again.  You'll just come across as a guy to avoid, who may get digits, but they are rarely to contact the person he thinks hes calling.

I have decided to help anyone (like Pitman) who may want to seduce me by a few tips on what NOT to do. First is "Whispering in her ear". If you are close enough to me that your lips are close to my ear to make a whisper most effective, you are in my bubbly.  Prepare to die.  I do not want you that close to me, and I don't want your bad breath (this isn't for Pitman, I haven't noticed him having bad breath.  His offensive smells come from other places) that close to my nose.  If by chance you are like Pitman, and you have the opportunity to try to sweetly whisper something into my ear while I'm sleeping, DON'T DO IT!!  Taking your mouth to the opening of my ear, and whispering "Do you want to get up or stay asleep" will sound as though there is a bull horn, sounding off a Fire Siren INSIDE my brain.  This will not gently wake me, it will fry areas of my brain and kill more brain cells than a Summer Weekend Tequila Binge.

Another major seduction faux pas, is trying to suck the remains of a cup cake off my finger.  First off, EWWWW!!!!  And that was just the original reaction.  The more I thought about it, it was wrong on so many levels.  Not just the fact that the guy's wife AND girlfriend were present... but that had a lot to do with it.  But, think about it...  even if I didn't believe saliva was disgusting and revolting....  THAT'S MY LEFT-OVER CUPPYCAKE!!!  Get your OWN!!!!  I understand it was all in fun, and so is part of this.  But if Mr. Washboard Abs tries to get his mouth anywhere near my fingers again, I will kick him in the shin.  I'd punch him in the stomach, but it would hurt me more than him.

I don't know who Tali is...
and I don't really care.
But LOOK AT THE SIZE
OF THAT CUPCAKE!!!

If you WANT to seduce me.  Be a man.  Make me feel special.  Stick up for me so that the WORLD knows you think I'm special.  Catch and hold my gaze from across a crowded room, and if I smile at you?  Reward me by crossing the distance between us, carefully shielding the gift you carry from harm, and when you present that cuppy cake, with extra frosting and a fork, smile and walk away.  Do this repeatedly and you'll be ready for step 2.