Reminiscing and Looking Forward

Its New Years Eve.  The day we say goodbye to an old year and welcome in a new one.  This leaves some people sad, some happy, some excited.  To me, its just another day.  Maybe I've become hardened.  Maybe I've become a realist.  But, I have "Become".  This year has brought so much into my life.  Some felt bad at the time, some felt good at the time.  Sometimes the good ended up being bad, and the bad ended up being good.  I've noticed a huge change in myself and the loved ones who currently live under my roof.  The roof we were blessed to buy this year, the roof which is currently leaking in my bathroom.  Good and Bad.

Cassie in NYC, in front
of the Ball!!

I've decided I like the change.  What was it?  Acceptance.  I have accepted my husband for who he is.  I've finally thrown out all those dreams and ideas I thought marriage should be.  Have I settled?  Not at all.  See, I've noticed that since I've accepted him for who he IS, I'm finding him working hard to become a better person.  I have accepted my youngest daughter, Cassie, for who she is and gave up on who I had hoped she'd become.  Have I given up on her?  Not a chance.  I still challenge her to grow, and grow she is!!

Since pulling her out of public school, and teaching her in a manner that she can comprehend, she can now tell you not only WHY we won the revolutionary war, but she can also tell you how we almost lost it on many occasions!!  She is now in charge of figuring out how much to tip the waiter or waitress at the restaurant.  Math facts that she couldn't do in her head before, she's now spouting out.  Why?  She is accepted, loved, and feels safe.  Now if I could just get her to read a book!! But that will come in time.

I would like to share a few things I have come to realize.  Life is about choices.  A teacher at Rondout High School, Mr. Thomas, told his kids that once.  I never realized how simple and important that lesson is.  That is my mantra.  Seriously... think about it!!  We ALWAYS have a choice.  When you hear someone say "I didn't have a choice", they are lying.  They just didn't LIKE the OPTIONS that were given when they MADE the choice they did.   I challenge you to be honest with yourself and if you honestly can not find the choice in a life event, ask me.  You may not like it, and I do have a problem with being too honest, but everything that happens we are responsible, because a choice we made brought us to it.

There are a few choices I've decided to make.  Resolutions?  No.  Choices.  I like being in control and I feel by making a choice, I have control.  I choose to accept responsibility for all my actions.  I choose to never be the victim.  I choose to say no to drama.  I choose to be positive.  I will find the stupid silver lining on everything.  The way I see it, I will fake it until I make it.  I may not do anything more than to annoy those around me... and I'm ok with that.  Annoying people is kind of fun.  So, people, and I told a friend earlier today, "You've got to accentuate the positive.  Eliminate the negative. Latch on to the affirmative. Don't mess with Mister In-Between".  

Why I Never Get Anything Done

Wow.  I've had the perfect Pitman kind of day!!  And I realized that it may or may NOT be my fault that I never get anything done.  I have a simple day planned out, and I never accomplish what I planned!  Today is a perfect example of that.  I had planned to send a report to our Autism Psychologist, go to our Autism Consultant meeting, pick up one last gift for Daddy, then pick up some groceries.  Come home, and make some more Christmas cookies.  See?  Simple.  Or is it?

I had to download a program so I could scan the stuff into the computer so I could send it...  accidentally downloaded the wrong program (ended up being from China...), found the right program, downloaded it, realized I had run out of time and forgot to eat breakfast.  Grabbed the kid, some snickerdoodles for breakfast, the other stuff we needed and ran out of the door without our Aldi's grocery bags --big no no.  Missed my turn but made it to the appointment in time.  During the appointment I realized, when Cassie pointed out to me that we needed to eat lunch, that I'd have to put lunch into the mix.  We went to KFC, and I've realized there are no decent KFCs in CNY.  The service here sucks.

Made it to Aldi's, realized I didn't have a list, and just decided to wing it.  I forgot more butter.  Bought some bags to bring it home.  Got home and realized the driveway was a slushy mess, so I had to shovel.  Came back in the house and realized I still needed to put the groceries away.  Put the groceries away, sat down to scan the documents, and realized I had to finish installing the program.  As I was doing that, and getting ready to scan, Cassie hollers that we have a leak in the ceiling of our bathroom.  I calmed her down, checked it out, and she was right.  As she was "indisposed on the toilet", I chose to go back later to see if it was wet, or an old leak we just missed.  Went to scan in the documents, realized I needed to in-dispose myself also, and while I was in there I remembered I needed to go touch the upstairs bathroom ceiling.  Then Marley came in to tell me he REALLY needed to go frolic in the snow some more.  So I took them out, sat down to scan the documents, and remembered about the upstairs ceiling.  So I went up, and yes, it is wet.  Cassie said she knew it was wet because it dripped on her... TWICE!!  <sigh>  Step-Brother said I needed to get an electrician in ASAP to move the light, so Cassie and I figured out which breaker it was and just turned it off for now.

I get back to the computer, only to find out that my report hasn't been attached yet.  So, I cancel it and start over.  Then I find out that Cassie is about to starve to death again, so I have to start dinner.  Thats when I think about this blog.  So, I start dinner, start the blog, and finish dinner, eat dinner, and now finish the blog.  It is now 6pm.  My report still has not attached to the email so I can send it.  I still have no more freakin' cookies made, and I'm wondering where my day went and why its not bedtime yet.  Meanwhile, I still need to feed the dogs and let Marley romp in the snow for a few more times.

CRAP!!!  I also just found out that Christmas is only a few days away and I have to clean my house.  <sigh>  So, is it my fault or not that I never get anything done?

Me & My Shadow, Strollin' Down the Boulevard!

Cassie and I have been more inseparable the past few weeks than usual.  In case anyone has forgotten, Pitman is working in New York City until December 22.  Cassie and I made the trip to NYC to visit with him, where all these cute pictures have come from.  But the trip isn't the focus on today's blog.  People have been worried about me.  "You need some ALONE time!!"  "You need some FUN in your life!!"  Oh, and my favorite "You seem to be lacking JOY!"  

Cassie and her Metro Card

Oh, really?  It is obvious that many people do not realize what goes on in our household.  See, Cassie and I do spend a lot of time together.  But she also spends time by herself.  Just the other day, I interacted with her for probably a total of 2 hours, THE WHOLE DAY!!  Actually, I kind of missed the little sprite!!   But then we have days like today.

Cassie and I left the house at 11:30 for an appointment with our psychologist, Cynthia.  We love Cynthia, but there were still issues because we usually see her at NIGHT, with DADDY, and the timing threw Cassie.  But she fought through it.  I was going to print off the directions of how to get there (Daddy usually drives), and Cassie assured me she knew how to get there.  I had actually hurt her feelings when I said I'd print out the directions just in case.  So, we compromised.  I brought the big Syracuse map along, and if we got lost, we'd use it.  I kid you not!!  We got there with NO PROBLEMS!!!  This gift she has still amazes me!!!

Terrorizing the
Animals at
FAO Schwartz

But the entertainment really started when we got to lunch.  She loves to do the activities on the kids menus.  There were Tic Tack Toe games.  She and I played 2 games of Tic Tac Toe on the train, and I told her I just dont understand it.  I said it again today!  "I just cant figure out how to play this game!  No one ever WINS!!" and she responded "Well, one player has to be smarter than the other."  Oh, yeah, snot.  See if we play THIS again anytime soon!!!!

Cassie by the old
escalators at
Macy's!

Then we were shopping for Christmas presents and she found "Miracle on 34th Street".  See, we watched the movie before we went to NYC.  She really tried to enjoy it.  I think she enjoyed it a little, but she really couldn't get into it because of one little detail.... its was in Black and White.  "I don't LIKE black and white movies, because its like its all wrong!"  But, imagine her surprise when she saw it on DVD in color.  "FINALLY!!!" she hollers out of no where.  I ask her what and she holds it up.  "They finally PUT COLOR in it!!!"  She was so relieved and excited, I couldn't help but to laugh!!!  But, alas, we got to the point where we'd been in the store just a little longer than desired.  "Lets get moving... I have a dead line to keep."  And I just about wet myself.  

Me & My Shadow!

This is normal for us.  We do a LOT of laughing.  Ok, I do a lot of laughing because of the things Cassie says and does.  How could anyone look at us and say I have no fun or joy in my life?  AND if the Lord wanted me to have "alone time", He wouldn't have given me the child He gave me, or the circumstances that caused us to choose home schooling for her.  But I appreciate the fact that I have so many people looking out for me.  It just goes to prove how totally blessed I really am!!!

Re-Writing Christmas Carols

I love Christmas Carols.  I know a little bit of all of the songs, and almost all of most of them.  BUT, I also like to re-write them to fit my mood.  Who are we kidding.  I like to re-write most songs to fit my mood, but there is just something special about Christmas Carols.

My Christmas House

When Pitman was decorating the outside of the house (at my urging) on a beautiful fall day, with the sun out and the temperature hitting 60 degrees, I updated my Facebook Status to read "Oh, the weather outside's not frightful, and the sun is so delightful!!  So Pitman won't be late, lets decorate, decorate, decorate!!!"  Oh, in case you can't figure it out, its to the tune of "Let it Snow".

No, not MY potty.
MY potty needs to
be available for
immediate use.

So, today I'm thinking about re-writing the 12 Days of Christmas.  It will be titled "The 12 Days of Pitman Christmas".  I don't understand where they get 12 Days of Christmas.  I celebrate either 1 or 25+ days... not 12.  But, regardless, I already have the first verse.

On the first day of Christmas, Pitman gave to me, the stupid-assed stomach bug.

That's all I got right now.  I can't think.  I'm trying too hard not to keep my head out of the toilet.

Tis the Season!

Our Cute Little Christmas House!

Years ago, before blogging was as common as dog poop on your shoes, I started sending out daily emails in a count down to Christmas style.  Usually it revolved around my inability to get all my outside Christmas lights to light at the same time.  It was amazing, how every night they came on, and something else was blown out!!  It was at that point in my life that I realized a few things.  One was that I was never meant to have a Griswold Family Christmas House.  The other thing is that when frustrated, its easier to write about it and allow my family and friends to laugh at me than to curl up in my room and cry.

That brings us to today.  See, my halls are all decked.  My outside is beautiful, yet incomplete.  Pitman is in charge of decorating the outside, mainly because of the introduction to today's blog.  This year, we lost an intricate member of our outside decor...  Mr. Snowman the Snowman.  Yes, I name my decorations.  That's so people know what I'm talking about.  Mr. Snowman the Snowman is our blow up, and, well, he no longer would blow up, so he got thrown out.  Pitman is in deep mourning.  He is very partial to blow ups and would love to try to rival his Dad, who has about 756 of the darned things in his yard every Christmas.

Inside, the last thing to be done was the hanging of stockings with care... and yarn.  We decided to hang them going down the staircase.  They look cute, but I cannot take a picture of them because one is still drying.  Drying?  Yes, drying.  See, we have matching stockings, except the animals.  But I don't have Steve's stocking, he does.  I don't know if he'll remember to bring it home, so he needs another stocking here holding his place.  Also, this year we'll be adding a new Christmas Eve Family Member, and that is LeeAnne's friend Andrew.  SIDE-NOTE!  We love Andrew.  We got to finally meet him this past summer, and the guy is a hoot.  I do enjoy him!  So, Andrew needs a stocking, too.  So off to the Dollar Store we go, and we pick up a few stockings.

Steve's Stocking, as we cut
as much of it apart as possible.

I sit down to personalize them and find out that they have iron-on decals!!  WOOHOO!!!  That'll be easy!!  That'll be cute!!  I can do this!!!!!!  Well, I can't do it.  See, Steve's was the first.  And I was so excited!!  When I was done ironing on the transfers, it looked amazing!!!  Not as amazing as the look on my face when I realized that while ironing it, I sealed the stocking shut.  It looked good, but it wasn't very practical.  I opened it the best I could, and I think Santa will be able to get a few presents in there, but I wasn't pleased.

So, for Andrew's, I put a towel INSIDE the stupid stocking so the same thing wouldn't happen.  I put the paper on, just like Steve's, and ironed it for 90 seconds, just like Steve's, and WHALLA!!!!  It wasn't sealed shut!!  HOWEVER...  the paper was stuck on the stocking and I was unable to get it off.  <sigh>  Remember when I said I bought a few stockings?  It was actually 3.  The one with the paper glued to the top is in the trash.  Steve will have to deal with wrestling gifts out of a small opening, and Andrew's stocking, which has his name written in glitter glue, is drying.

Personalized Stocking
Causes Paper to Stick
Like Glue!!!

And so the Christmas Season Begins.......

Where's the Blog!!!

I've been asked many times why I haven't blogged lately.  When I tell people, they look at me like I'm nuts.  You see, I just don't have the time to sit and think and then take the proverbial pen to paper.  Its bad enough that I do NOT follow all the standard steps to writing.  I saw a poster with these steps that I can get at Barnes and Noble.  This poster will help me with one of the reasons I don't have time to write my blog.  But will it give me more time?  No, it will give me LESS time because I will be fighting MORE with Cassie over a huge ass poster that says she is supposed to plan, draft, edit, re-write, I-believe-I'm-missing-a-step and then publish.  Me, I think, write and publish.  Actually, so does Cassie.  Hey, but I put in more words, sentences  details and paragraphs!!!  I know that given time she'll follow in her mother's writing footsteps.  She has a ton of ideas and an imagination to rival Christopher Robin!!

So, why am I blogging now?  Because it is 3am and I don't feel like cleaning, planning, teaching, or researching things at the moment.  Oh, and my Mom and my other friends aren't awake to chat.  So, what is there left to do at 3am but to blog!  What, sleep?  I should be sleeping?!?!  You are telling me!!  But we all have issues.  See, once I get out of bed, I'm awake.  I went to see an Endocrinologist yesterday.  She asked me how many times I get up to pee in the night.  I told her I don't.  She said "REALLY?"  Its not often I impress doctors!!  I told her that I have been known to wake up and THINK about getting up and going pee.  But in the end I always decide its just not worth it, and fall back to sleep.

So, why am I up at 3am?  Cassie is sick and just can't fall back to sleep.  I know what many of you are thinking.  You are thinking she is 12 years old and can hang out, not feeling well, by herself.  And she can!!  But I got out of bed and now I'm awake.  But my interrupted sleep is your gain!  You get a BLOG!!

There are somethings that are difficult to illustrate in the written word.  What JUST happened to me, JUST after I typed the last sentence in the last paragraph was freakin' hilarious, but you missed it.  "You get a BLOG!!!" I typed, with a huge smile, a couple of jaunty exclamation points.  It was with excitement, pride, and just a general feeling of euphoria that I hit what I still call the "return tab", and then just sat there.  I stared at my blinking cursor.  Not a thought in my brain.  I almost started writing "de da dee da deeeee" to simulate the lack of words my mind is creating.  Crickets.  Analog clock tick-tocking away.  Cassie yawning.  WAIT!!  Cassie yawning?  If she's yawning, she should go to bed!  But it wouldn't matter.  For once my feet hit the ground I'm up for about an hour.  Unless I'm trying to figure out what to blog.  Or, I can end this blog now.  But how will I end something that really has no point?  No structured idea?  If it has no beginning or middle, can it have an end?!!?!  This is why teaching is difficult, why it really would be best to leave it to professionals.  I will let you know that sometimes, when I teach Cassie, things don't go right.  Something will go wrong and some how take a completely different path that what I've intended.  I've found that sometimes its best to deploy my emergency parachute.  I think I will do that now.  "What are you talking about", you ask?  Watch closely how a pro does it.  Oh, but you need to have it completely spontan-------- WAIT!!  LOOK!!!  A Squirrel!!  AND ELVIS!!  I gotta pee, you are pretty, I like monkeys, want a cookie?

The Art of Seduction

"We need more sucking up"

Pretty Woman is hailed as one of the greatest romantic movies of our time.  It is full of seduction and makes the ovaries of many women just twitch at the title.  But, thinking about the "why" of it, which I tend to over think, I've made a huge discovery.  First of all, He was seduced by her sweet innocence.  I know, she was a hooker, and how innocent can hookers be?  Well, the script was so well written that during her career she learned street smarts, but kept her sweet innocence.  Men like that.  I think its because its easy to exploit.  But Richard Gere's character didn't exploit her.  He did the most seductive thing a man can do.  He tried to meet her every need and keep her safe.  In fact, one of the most romantic parts of the movie was when they went shopping.  Men, Julia Roberts, in all honesty, was not seduced by the thousands of dollars he spent on her.  She was uncontrollably drawn to the fact that the one line "They weren't nice to me" made him angry.

But he did not take his anger out on her.  He didn't take his anger OUT on anyone.  Instead, of complaining, he "fixed" the situation.  He took her to the store, and "encouraged" the clerks to be nice to her.  He took time off from work to make sure that She and the store people knew that she was worthy.  There you have it.  If you want your woman to see you as a hero, you need to be one.  Every woman is different, though.  You can not use the same techniques over and over again.  You'll just come across as a guy to avoid, who may get digits, but they are rarely to contact the person he thinks hes calling.

I have decided to help anyone (like Pitman) who may want to seduce me by a few tips on what NOT to do. First is "Whispering in her ear". If you are close enough to me that your lips are close to my ear to make a whisper most effective, you are in my bubbly.  Prepare to die.  I do not want you that close to me, and I don't want your bad breath (this isn't for Pitman, I haven't noticed him having bad breath.  His offensive smells come from other places) that close to my nose.  If by chance you are like Pitman, and you have the opportunity to try to sweetly whisper something into my ear while I'm sleeping, DON'T DO IT!!  Taking your mouth to the opening of my ear, and whispering "Do you want to get up or stay asleep" will sound as though there is a bull horn, sounding off a Fire Siren INSIDE my brain.  This will not gently wake me, it will fry areas of my brain and kill more brain cells than a Summer Weekend Tequila Binge.

Another major seduction faux pas, is trying to suck the remains of a cup cake off my finger.  First off, EWWWW!!!!  And that was just the original reaction.  The more I thought about it, it was wrong on so many levels.  Not just the fact that the guy's wife AND girlfriend were present... but that had a lot to do with it.  But, think about it...  even if I didn't believe saliva was disgusting and revolting....  THAT'S MY LEFT-OVER CUPPYCAKE!!!  Get your OWN!!!!  I understand it was all in fun, and so is part of this.  But if Mr. Washboard Abs tries to get his mouth anywhere near my fingers again, I will kick him in the shin.  I'd punch him in the stomach, but it would hurt me more than him.

I don't know who Tali is...
and I don't really care.
But LOOK AT THE SIZE
OF THAT CUPCAKE!!!

If you WANT to seduce me.  Be a man.  Make me feel special.  Stick up for me so that the WORLD knows you think I'm special.  Catch and hold my gaze from across a crowded room, and if I smile at you?  Reward me by crossing the distance between us, carefully shielding the gift you carry from harm, and when you present that cuppy cake, with extra frosting and a fork, smile and walk away.  Do this repeatedly and you'll be ready for step 2.

Once Upon a Time

This is NOT FeeFeeFooFoo.
True image couldn't be located.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who had a stuffed pink and purple poodle.  She cant remember when she got it, but for some reason she thinks she may have gotten it at the Clayville Field Days.  It was hard and not the least bit cuddly, but for some reason that little girl loved that dog.  She named it FeeFeeFooFoo because she couldn't decide if she should name it FeeFee or FooFoo, and decided it really didn't matter.  Wasn't she a grand, special little girl?  Her parents told her that all the time, after all.  So the little girl named that dog FeeFeeFooFoo because she had the right to have it all.  Until that one fateful evening when the little girl got sick and vomited all over her special stuffed friend.

The little girl's Mom, knowing how much that dog meant to her daughter, painstakingly cleaned up the puppy.  She was a miracle worker, and you couldn't see or smell the residue of the little girl's weakness.  That is an awesome Mom!!!!  But, unlike other stories that begin with "Once Upon A Time", there was no happily ever after for FeeFeeFooFoo or that little girl.  You see, the little girl could no longer play with the dog, and after time, the dog was banished to a shelf.  The little girl knew how hard the mom worked at cleaning it, so she didn't dare hurt her mom by throwing the toy away.  BUT, the little girl was grossed out by the fact she vomited.  She saw the illness as a weakness.  She saw the delightful FeeFeeFooFoo standing there, on that shelf, screaming at her and telling all that she was nothing but a regular kid.... and a disgusting puker at that.  After a few years, the little girl, who was now growing into a young woman, was able to throw that stupid mocker into the trash... but she still felt guilty for throwing away her childhood friend that her Mother tried to save.  She mainly felt guilty for coming to hate something she loved so much because it was defiled.  It was defiled by that little girl, and then it seemed the little girl blamed the dog.  But she didn't... she just didn't feel the love for that dog since the dog felt her weakness, first hand.

Through out that little girls life, she repeated that same cycle.  Loving something, making a huge mistake or showing some kind of huge weakness, and then feeling that thing she loved turn on her.  Either it really DID turn on her, or the reminder of the act she did was too much for her to continue loving the item.

And its not just things.  It was people, too.  And activities.  And even TV shows that she felt led her on.

When the little girl hit 45 years old, she realized this in herself.  She realized that each time she was weak, or used, or hurt, a little bit of her died.  Well, not a little bit of HER died, but the parts she allowed to feel were dead.  She became hard and cynical.  She even began to defy God, who was so important in her life, because she realized that once hurt, the part of her that held the love were gone, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't make "love" reappear.

So, what of the "Happily Ever After" spoken at then end of the Fairy Tales?  They lead us to believe that there isn't an end to the story, but there is always an end.  Either one or both die, or they get thrown in the trash after a reasonable amount of time.  After being thrown in the trash a few times herself, the little girl (now woman) just stopped getting out of the can.  turned into Oscar the Grouch and now lives on Sesame Street, throwing rocks at Big Bird and stealing Cookie Monsters cookies, yelling foul things at "The Count", like COUNT THIS, LOSER!

The End.

My Life is an Open Book, Dare You Read It?

I may or may not regret posting this, but you know...  I'm tired.  I'm tired of people judging.  I'm tired of being told I'm being crazy.  No, actually I'm not.  I'm tired of being brushed off because I'm ACTING crazy.      There is a huge difference between acting crazy and being crazy.

See, I am mentally ill.  I suffer from Bi-Polar Depression, and it is considered a mental illness.  I know this fact bothers some in my family, and its taboo to talk about it.  Well, guess what...  it, just like alcoholism, is genetic.  Well, most of my family ignore THAT fact too.  My father was an alcoholic.  Its common knowledge that people with an "altered" mental state self-medicate.  Knowing now what I do, I 100% believe that my father was Autistic.  But, man, could he fake fitting in in public!!  At home?  He sucked.  But you know what?  A LOT of us are 100% different at home than we are in public.  In my "old age", I've come to say "screw it".  I've been tired of trying to fit in, so I've stopped.  Right, wrong or indifferent, its easier to hide at home.  I like my home.  Its cute, small, and as close to a "hug" as I ever want to get.  But I've recently been told that I'm not supposed to be this way, and its time for a medication change.

Yes.  I am on prescription medication for my "issues", and they only work for so long.  Then you have to put yourself through absolute hell to find another one that allows you to function.  Serious.  Not exaggerating.  I have to take medication to actually get my butt out of bed and stay away from things that will take me out of this world sooner than the Lord desires.  I've tried going off them, and my family asked me to go back on.  So, I did.  And now I have to change them.

The worst part is not knowing if the fire ants crawling through my veins are from the new meds or the withdrawl from the old meds.  Same with the feeling I'm either going to cry or throw up.  Kind of sounds like quitting smoking or stopping drinking, huh?

Speaking of smoking, that is my self-medication of choice.  Some people over eat, some people drink, some people have lots of sex, by themselves or with others.  All these items are self medication.  All these items can (and do) become addictions.  The difference between me and someone who drinks wine nightly (or binge drinks on weekends), or reads Shades of Gray (or any other porn), is that smoking is considered bad for you.  Fine.  Its bad for me.  So is the wine, the porn, or the bag of chips eaten nightly.  I've never had a porn or alcohol addition, but I have a food addiction that I fight.  Daily.  I'm also a compulsive over-eater.  THAT, thank the Lord, is being controlled at the moment... but who knows when I'll "fall off the wagon" again.

So, I'm fighting depression, which society (and my brother) believe shouldn't be discussed in public.  I'm fighting a food addiction (winning only hour by hour).  I'm battling Autism (trust me, its a battle).  The economy is hitting us hard and I will have to quite my self-medication of choice (which I'm really fighting hard against).  And I'm also battling society and homeschooling my special needs child because of the bullying and attitude of other kids in the community.  On top of that, I'm switching meds, withdrawling from one and starting another that my body may or may not tolerate.

Think about it.  Is it REALLY that bad that I'm hiding out?  If I do see you, I will apologize now if I throw up on you or start crying hysterically.  This, along with every other moment of my TV Sitcom Life, we will laugh about a few years down the road.  I can promise that.

Cassie's Day of Self-Discovery

Cassie Pitman, Photo-Journalist!

Today, Cassie and I were blessed to attend ASquared Photography's sponsored "World Through My Eyes 2012".  What is this?  Well, they describe it here: Syracuse.com "World Through My Eyes 2012.  I see it as they gave my kid a camera that she's wanted forever, and the opportunity to walk through a beautiful park, taking pictures of anything that interested her, and a promise that she'd be published and hopes of a gallery showing.  They gave us more than a camera, a few hours of something new, and an opportunity for Cassie to learn who she is.  They gave me some major & important knowledge on my child!!!!

The past few days here at the Pitman Richards house were anything but fun.  She'd go from smiley Cassie to a puddle of screaming goo in 2.3 seconds.  "We've been invited to Gary's for a BBQ and Bonfire, I think we should go."  Simple enough sentence, don't you think?  "ARRGGGHHHHhhhh!!!!!!   NNNNOOOOOOooooo!!!!!  I CANT DO THAT!!!!  They'll be swimming and I can't and I'll be bored and I'll be miserable and I don't like to eat bbq and I'll be hungry and there will be noone to play with and I don't want to take my computer because then I wont know what to do on it and.........."  followed by sob, sob, sob.  Ok.  We won't go, its ok.  Nope.  THAT wasn't fun enough for ROB!!  "Hey, Cassie!!  Mom's gonna go and you and I will stay here. hahahha"

"AARRRGGGggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!  NNNNOOOOOooooooo!!!!!!  I need her because she is my wooby and she keeps me calm and you dont and you'll play a game with me but I'll lose and then I'll get sad and what if I have a melt down and you cant help me with that because you dont know what to do and you have too much autism to do it and mommy fixes things and you poked me and it hurt and when we were at grandmas......"  sob, sob sob.

I was there, and didn't realize how
interesting this view is until
I saw her picture!  The bottom of
the bridge is also forming waves!

This morning, though, she was calmer, but still nothing was right.  Her hair wasn't right, her breakfast wasn't right, I wasn't moving fast enough... and so on and so on.  When we got to the park, she was hanging on me and giggling like a maniac.  Yes, my friends, she was scared to death.  We got her checked in, she got her camera, and we started.  She was still up my rear-end, Cassie-Style, but about 1/2 hour into it something amazing happened.  She started walking 3 steps away from me, and looking at things.  Then she'd stop and bring the camera up, take a picture, grin, (not giggle) and move on.  At one point she was heading toward the pier and actually got about 20 steps away!!!  She was on a mission!!!

An Unknown Underwater
Lake Flower

After an hour, she stopped, turned to me, after about 10 whole minutes of silence (A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!) and said "OK.  I'm done.  Lets go."  And we did.  They copied her SD card, gave me a gift certificate for a free portrait, and off we went.... still completely calm!!  AND SHE REMAINED CALM UNTIL 5PM!!!!  I feel an experiment coming on.  The next time she is completely off the wall, I will take her into a park with her camera and see if it has the same effect.  If it does, I will then take her to a different venue, with her camera, and see if its just nature, or just photography in general that has this effect!!!  Wish us luck, and thank you, ASquared!!  You are AWESOME!!!!

I Can't Believe This is Still Going On!!

So, I finally finished canning the tomatoes from Tomato Torture Day 2012.  I ended up with 7 quarts of Stewed Tomatoes and 7 quarts and 1 pint of Spaghetti Sauce.  We had the pint for dinner tonight.  Rob is right... it IS Awesome Sauce!!  As per request from my mother, who either blessed me or cursed me with all these tomatoes, I have taken a picture of the end products.  Here it is:

Bounty from Tomato Torture Day 2012

Wow.  It was more impressive when I was mopping the sweat of my brow, peeling for 4 hours and then the making, stewing, and canning the crap.  <sigh>

But, you must remember, I have been doing tomatoes almost all month!  The tortuous marathon day was the 2nd batch of tomatoes my Mom gave me.  Its just the first delivery was in different stages of ripeness, so I was able to take my time.  Each time, peeling only took an hour, and I would turn that into either sauce or stewed tomatoes.  But, I was able to go at a very leisurely pace.  I like leisurely paces.  That is why I am the queen of puttering!!!

So, to give you an idea of what has really been going on here, between naps, of course, I gathered all my tomatoes and took another picture.  And here is that one:

My jars of tomatoes, as of 8/25/12

What you are looking at is 21 Spaghetti Sauce and 12 Stewed Tomatoes.... I know this because I just asked Rob how many of each one he counted 2 hours ago, and he told me.   <sigh>  Damn Autistic Men.  ANYWAYS, the total is 33.  The idea of canning your own food is to feed your family during the lean winter months.  Well, as long as my family doesn't mind tomatoes every other day, we should be set.

The most important reason I like to can, and make as much as possible from scratch, is because you never know where that hand has been.  You know, the hand of the person canning your food.  And what if they sneezed?  There are certain things I can NOT think about when I eat.  I love liver, but when I think of the function of that particular origin, I can't eat it.  Same with Catfish.  So, I'm allowed to think when I eat stuff I've made or, in this case, canned!!!  Oh, and if I give you one, don't worry.  I can guarantee that I washed my hands and no bodily fluids entered the items at any time!!!

So, why is it I can't believe that this is still going on?  Because while I was dealing with the mega-amounts of tomatoes donated to me by my loving mother (WHY DOES SHE PLANT SO MANY TOMATOES?!?!?!) I forgot one little thing.  I planted my OWN garden this year!!!!  As I write this, I have 15 tomatoes that need to have something done with.  And a bunch more green ones, that will ripen if the blight doesn't hit them!  I'm really starting to dislike tomatoes.

How Tomatoes Ruined Nap Time

The Start of the Tomato Torture

My Mom said, "I'm done canning for the year, you want some tomatoes?"  I said "SURE!!"  I am a fool.  For, you see, it wasn't SOME tomatoes, it was enough to feed a third world country for a month and a half.  They were all ripe, so I had to peel and begin processing them before they went bad.  When I filled 1/2 of my deep sink with them, I knew I was in for a long day.  I just didn't know how long.

See, peeling tomatoes is very easy, and its not rocket science.  It give plenty of time for one to think, especially if that one happens to be a very good thinker.  I mean, when I'm on a roll, I can think of 92 unrelated topics in a minute!  Peeling 7952 tomatoes is akin to torture to a thinker, because the process of peeling requires no real thought.  In all honesty, I may be exaggerating a bit with the number 7952.  I did try to count them, after I reached 10, I saw something shiny and lost count.  I'm starting to think I have a bit of ADD to go with my (minor case of) OCD.

The first hour wasn't so bad.  Cassie was setting up a candy stand in the hotel lobby (my dining room) and needed help spelling the names of various candies.  (She started today watching The Suite Life of Zach and Cody).  So, spelling Musketeer instead of Mouseketeer did take up some of the first hour.  Oh, and you never want to buy candy from her.  I heard her giving prices to customers, and there is no way in hell I will buy gum for $15 a package, or 1/2 a package of Starburst for $10.  Oh, and she'll also babysit, and that is only $10 an hour... but she'll spend the whole time feeding your kids candy.

 By the time I entered the 2nd hour, though, Cassie was done and I was alone with my thoughts.  I decided answers to many of the world problems.  For instance, regardless of who's theory you go with, I believe the Chicken came first.  I've also decided I'm voting for Romney for the one and only reason that his wife was a stay at home mom.  It was the only positive I could find in either candidate.  It was also in this hour that I decided to prove to Pitman that he can get another woman with no problem, just by making a profile for him on Match.com.  I ultimately decided against that, because I do have a sweet gig here.  Then I went on to the fact I want a job, mostly for my independence, in case Pitman does find a woman who fits him better.  But I'm really struggling to find child care for Cassie within the pay I could make.  I honestly believe that $100 a week (after taxes and day care) really isn't leaving the house in the winter.

During hour 3, I found lots of other questions I tried, with no avail, to answer.  Those questions are like why DID the monkey cross the road, why do I find the joke about the monkey stapled to the chicken such a freakin' riot, why can't schools just learn to deal and teach autistic kids and keep them from being bullied, do I have arthritis in my index finger, and why the hell does my mother plant so many tomatoes?

Stewing Tomatoes from today on the left,
Spaghetti Sauce from yesterday on the right.

By the time hour 4 was almost over, so was my never-ending sink of tomatoes.  <sigh>  I was so surprised that all those tomatoes fit (barely) into my 20 qt. Stock Pot!  But they did!!  I now have them simmering and reducing on the stove top, next to a batch of sauce I made from her last gift of tomatoes.  Tomorrow I will turn some of it into more sauce, and then can the rest as "stewed tomatoes".  I do have to get some more jars, and more lids.  I now need to go clean the kitchen.  I just have one last question, will this orange crap ever come out from under my fingernails?

Can you believe this crap?

This wasn't what I got, but very close.
Mine was creamier.

I go away for the afternoon, for another Christmas Tree Shop adventure with my Mom, Gert, and Cassie.  Awesome lunch, by the way...  I had a Crab Macaroni and Cheese!!!  mmmmmm  But I get home and all hell breaks loose.

See, New York States says that in order to home school, you have to send a letter of intent.  Then you have to send something called an IHIP, which tells them what you will be teaching and what books you will use.  So, this woman from Pupil Personnel Services calls and says she has received these items, but Clary Middle School still has her registered as a student.  Then she goes on to say I need to call Central Registration and tell them I'm home schooling.  I laugh, but I call.  After all, didn't the letter of intent mean that I was going to home school Cassie?  After all, I stated IN the letter "I will be home schooling my child, Cassandra Pitman, for the 2012-2013 school year".  I didn't think it was rocket science.....  But, I did call.

"Oh, ok", the woman on the other line says.  "Ummm, but you need to call pupil personnel services and tell them".  So, she gave me the number, and I call.  Guess who I get?  The same woman who called ME!!!!  She told me "I told you, you needed to call....." I cut her off, with a giggle.

"I know", I tell her, "They said I had to call you."  She laughed back, asked me to hold, called them herself and straightened it all out.  Why do I doubt that its been straightened out?  Maybe its because a month and a half AFTER I pulled her out of 6th grade, Clary Middle School sent me a letter stating she'd been promoted to the 7th grade.  They sent a report card, too, that said she missed 5 days of school, and was on the Merit List.

<sigh>  You can NOT make this crap up.

For Crying Out LOUD!! Be Specific!!!

Life is back to normal... as normal as it can be here in the Pitman Richards household!  So, before her injuries, Cassie surfed the internet (research) for healthy snacks (health and nutrition) and found some smoothie recipes (home ec) that she wanted to try.  So we bought some ingredients when we went grocery shopping (life skills and math). The bananas were very green, so I told her to jump on the computer and find out how to ripen them faster (research).  She found out if we place them in a brown paper bag with an apple and wait 24 hours (social skills -waiting) that they would ripen (science).

So today she decided she'd waited long enough, pulled out the bananas which, thanks to science, were ripe!!!  So she proceeded to follow the recipe (reading), measure (math) everything out, and put it in the blender (home ec).  She then asked and adult (me) to help with the instruction on how to use a blender (home ec.)  She then poured it into two glasses, while I continued to promote good self esteem by telling her how good it looked and smelled.  (it was even PINK!!!)  And then came the most common mistake made when it comes to dealing with those on the ASD spectrum.

"Hey, Cass...  can you do me a favor and fill it with water?"  

"SURE, MOM!!!  It needs to be cold water, though!!"  

So I then turn to look at her, to ask why it needs to be cold water, and stop short.  It needed to be cold water that she was putting in MY SMOOTHIE, probably so it would stay cold.  <sigh>  Well, she thought it through, and quite quickly.  The problem came when I didn't notice when I asked her to put some water in it, that she was holding my glass.  She had no clue I meant IN THE BLENDER!!!!!  <sigh>  But, like I said, its a very common issue.  Another homeschooling mom posted the following just before I started this:  

‎"Color each rectangle blue. Then, draw a happy face on each circle." 

Blue rectangles...check.

Three happy faces sitting over top of, but not ON, three circles...check.

See?  I'm not the only one!!  The kid did exactly what it read, just as Cassie did exactly as she was told!!!  Dealing with Auties is like dealing with the Genie who gives out those three wishes...  You need to be careful how you word it!!!

Closure Part II

Ok, that was a bald-faced lie.  See, I checked my stats and saw that yesterday's blog yielded 73 hits.  WOW!!!  That was the most I'd ever had!!  I do feel much better, since I also changed some of my Facebook Settings and don't have to feel poison flow throw my veins when certain names pop up.  Its like a weight lifted off my shoulders.  Very cathartic!

Cassie, resting peacefully,
with Rob's big foot in the picture,
Marley's fox,
and the fact I really
need to put pictures up on my wall.

But, as proof that life goes on, my Cassie decided to remind me of her presence in my hectic life.  Umm...  Cassie?  If you want attention, all you have to do is ask.  We can do without the theatrics!!  What theatrics, you ask?  Well, we went to the MOST, which is an awesome hands on science museum here in Syracuse.  It was my fault.  There were these huge stairs, at the entrance of a traffic circle, that I thought was the entrance.  So we climbed the stairs, realized it wasn't the entrance, turned to walk back down, and Cassie missed a step.  The poor little girl went down.  She hit her tailbone on the edge of a stone step, bounced, and landed on the step below, breaking her fall with her hand.  What happened next is very common in cute little Autie's with high pain thresholds... since there was no blood, she continued on with life.

She had a blast at the MOST, she had fun at our friend Ben's party afterwards, but when she woke up after the adrenaline of the night had worn off...  OWIEEE!!!!  So I took her to urgent care.  She has broken her tailbone and sprained her wrist.  But I learned a lot during our stay at the new Golisano Pediatric After Hours Center.  First of all, we arrived at 10:45am on a Sunday morning.  They didn't open until noon.  <sigh>  But the place was quiet and nice.  The people were outstanding and bent over backwards for Cassie, so I can't complain.  While we were waiting, they even had a TV that she could choose from different shows.  She chose "Thats So Raven".  But we did have to hit the reality that we were at a hospital in the city.

Cassie was in getting her Xrays and I was sitting in the hall, talking to my LeeAnne on the phone, when they brought him in.  The "they" were 2 big cops.  The "him" was the dude with the messy hair who was wearing handcuffs.  I was so glad Cassie wasn't out there at that moment.  The girl, trying so hard to be brave, while being in discomfort, watching 2 cops coming in with a "Perp", would really have lost it.

Oh, and the many times I end up with some member of my family in Urgent Care, who's name is really an oxymoron, you'd think I'd remember to bring snacks.  By the time 1:30 hit, the only thing keeping me from running out of the room, hollering "SOMEONE GET ME A SAMMICH!!!!" was the fact that Cassie was also whining that she was hungry, and I didn't want to share a sandwich.  But, they did give her a red Popsicle!!

And I've also found out that there is nothing cuter than Cassie, saying in many different voices "I broke my Coccyx!" adding that coccyx is a funny word.  But, as she explained to Daddy, it wasn't her fault.  See, she was stressed and over excited and she got distracted, which made her fall and bounce on the stairs.  See why I love this child?  She didn't blame ME, either!!!!!

Getting My Need for Closure

Before I begin my story, I need to put out a disclaimer. This posting is not for anyone who does not want to relive the heartwrenching experiences of a year ago. Here is your opportunity to close this out and walk away. I will wait.

dee te dee te.... lalalla.....dee te teee.... la la...

Ok. I hope that was enough time. I am not writing this to open old wounds. I'm writing this to close mine. And to tell my side of the story. I will be leaving out a lot of details, because I won't go into a "He said, She said" debate, just the facts as they affected me, my marriage, my family, and my beliefs. 

Over a year ago, my husband fell in love with another woman. He stated that while there was a day they planned to turn their relationship physical, he chickened out and it never did. As there is no way of knowing the truth, I excepted that explanation, we talked, sought therapy, and worked things out. I have forgiven him, but I have not forgotten. I still carry the hurt he caused, but I just turned it into part of the large wall I'm erecting around me. But there is more to the story. See, the woman he carried on this emotional affair with was my friend, one of my best friends. We will call her Kristy.

When I was preparing to move upstate, she was all gushy and lovey, and huggy. "Oh this will be so GREAT!!!" She said we'd go shopping, get pedicures, go on Girls Nights Out, etc. I was so looking forward to that, because in my adulthood, I've never had a "girl friend" like that. I found out later that while she was saying all these things, she was involved with my husband. She even helped me move from downstate to upstate. I don't know if she ever felt friendly to me or if it was all an act. It looks like I will never know.

After it happened, I repeatedly asked her all the why & how questions. She wouldn't answer. She just wanted to go back to the way it was. I tried. Thats when the blow-offs started, and I realized she didn't want to go back to the way things were, she just wanted me gone. She said once that I won and to leave it at that. But I needed the closure.

Kristy was married to a man I have the utmost love and respect for. He is probably the reason I accepted Kristy so readily into my life. To say I would do anything in the world for him, its an understatement. Its also an understatement to say I feel I owe my life to this guy. As her meanness toward me got worse, I informed her she needed to tell her husband what went on between her and MY husband.... she insisted I was trying to kill her husband. Less than a week later Rob told him about the relationship. Less than a week after that, Kristy left him and moved in with another man, also married and a close friend of her family. I understand they are living happily ever after. My dear friend has also found a new woman who makes him very happy. Robert and I have put that part of our lives behind us.

The problem? She was my friend. Its bad enough when your husband falls in love with another woman. But when that woman is your FRIEND, its a double pain. When your man hurts you, you turn to your friends to help you through it.... but what do you do when they cause it? How do you get over that kind of pain? Closure helps. But every time I ask her, it invokes the fight or flight response. So, I let it go for a while. I recently asked her one more time. I figured after a year, she's happy, her soon to be ex is happy, whats the big deal, right? No response. Ok. I dont like it, but I can deal. What I didn't expect was the immediate, immature Facebook posts. Making fun of my napping, saying "Some people need to realize they aren't all that" immediately after I post that I'm awesome. Oh, and my favorite, insinuating my hypocrisy because my skeletons are coming out of my closet. No, I can't prove all of this is pertaining to me. But I have never believed in coincidences, and having their comments posted, and seemingly related to, things I have commented, looks pretty darned suspicious. Oh, then there was the comment where she said: "dont hold your breath...oh...on second though...please do. and dont respond. Im so done. Maybe you should go take a nap.", when I told her I was waiting for my enlightenment. 

Now, I know what most of you saying. Me? HYPOCRITICAL? Yeah! I know, RIGHT? I laughed, too. Skeletins in my closet? That is another good laugh!!! See, I have no secrets, I say nothing behind someones back I wouldn't or haven't already said to their face. Its not like I haven't TRIED to talk to her, to mend things. But she has made it clear that she has no desire to do so. My Mom keeps telling me that I have to deal with the fact that in life, I will come across people who don't like me. I still find it hard to digest. I'm a freakin' sweetheart, and a blast to be with!!! Why wouldn't everyone love me?!?! Well, they dont. And some feel the need to try to tear me down. Mom always told me those people did that because they were jealous. So, I guess I will let "Kristy" continue to trash talk and giggle like a high schooler. I'm too old to pass for a teenager any more. 

I will now consider this chapter in my life closed, make the hurt she caused into a few more bricks, and add them to the wall. Thank you, my friends, for allowing me this opportunity to heal.

ROAD TRIP

I started posting in my Autism Connections Support group Facebook page, then I realized this would make a good blog.  So, I'm here.  Its hard to post so often when there really isn't much going on in my life.  So when something different happens, I get excited.  Whether it will be good or bad, its still kind of exciting.


We leave tomorrow morning, 6am, for a day trip from hell.  We are moving my son, Steve, from Philadelphia to Brooklyn and then heading home.  Pitman has taken the day off of work at my request.  I knew he wouldn't have a problem with it.  See, he hates if I go on any adventure by myself.  I'm glad he's going because he's a bull moose when it comes to moving things (he picks things up and puts them down) and he'll insist on driving.  I'm not sure what bothers me more, though...  Riding with him while he drives in New York City, or driving his truck in NYC myself!!


You see, my Baby Boy has gone and gotten himself a job in New York City!!  He should be so proud of himself, because we are proud of him!!  He gets to leave Benny's, WaWa, Chilis, and all the other places behind him and enter the adult world of CAREER instead of job!!!  He has come a long way on a very difficult road, and this Mom couldn't be happier!!!

Regardless, it comes to about 12 hours in the car.  There is not enough ANYTHING to keep a kid occupied in a car for 12 hours.  Let alone an autistic kid.  I asked Rob last night how far he thinks we'll get before I'm ready to throw myself out of the moving truck.  He thinks I'll make it to the PA border, or at least out of the driveway.

As everyone knows, we've had some changes in our financial status, and money is very tight.  So I've informed my loved ones we'll be doing this trip in the Dunlap fashion.  Meaning we will NOT buy any food while we are out.  There is an exception...  if I'm able to conveniently get a Slurpee, we are stopping.  I love Slurpees.  I even have a song about how much I want them.  I will sing it to Pitman and he will roll his eyes.  But I think he secretly loves the songs I make up and sing to him.  ANYWAYS....  I have to get busy this morning making muffins to take with us for breakfast.  I need to make some extra to give to Steve, too.  I will also be making some Chocolate Chip cookies.  Then comes the sandwiches.  I informed Rob and Cassie that during the trip they WILL be referred to as "Eggie Weggie" and "Tuney Wooney".    That caused more giggling and eye rolling.  You guess which family member did what.  I did not tell them that I was not making the 3rd, and my favorite, "Hammy Wammy".  I've also decided to make an Italian Pasta Salad, because Cassie will eat that, too.  Then there is the cooler of ice water.  I go no where without my ice water, especially when we are looking at 90 degree weather with heat indexes.  


So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on our own "Boilermaker Marathon" tomorrow.  I truly hope the Lord blesses us with a safe journey where I'm able to deal with 12 hours of being enclosed in a small box with Rob and Cassie, and that I really can make it out of the driveway without throwing myself out of the moving vehicle.

Today I am 45.

Today is my birthday.  At 5:56am I turned 45.  I hate birthdays.  I hate getting over.  I feel this is the birthday that marks the milestone that my life is 1/2 over.  <pout>  its very sad.  very sad.  But I could be wrong.  I could die tomorrow in a horrific tree cutting accident.  That is even sadder because, with the exception of 3 wonderful children, I really have nothing to show for it.

Birthdays haven't always sucked.  I remember my 6th birthday.  My mom took me and a bunch of friends to see Cinderella in the movie theater.  We didn't do movies or parties very often, and this was HUGE for me!! Oh, by the way, I AM Cinderella.  The person who wrote "Wicked" also wrote a book about the alternate story of Cinderella. I will NOT read this for fear of realizing I'm, I mean Cinderella, isn't as innocent as I thought.  But I digress.  We are talking birthdays.  For some reason, I also correlate getting my EasyBake Oven on this day, but I could be mistaken.

Birthdays started sucking when I turned 16.  I had an AWESOME surprise 16th Birthday, thrown for me by my very well meaning friends.  But, see, it has always been hard to surprise me, and I started picking up on something being wrong a few weeks before.  They started treating me different and I thought I was losing my best friend.  Then my mom took me to the mall to buy me a pair of Manisha pants.  You probably don't know what these were, but they were HUGE in my school and I was excited to actually wear something in style.  But, me being who I am, I got Hawaiian shirts, too.  hehehhehe  I've always had my own fashion style!  On the way to the mall, I saw Christine and Cathy in the car together and felt like an outcast.  It's MY birthday, and they were too busy to spend it with ME!!!  I felt like an idiot on my return, as they all (including a friend, Jimmy, who rode his bicycle from Utica to Clayville) jumped out and yelled "Happy Birthday"!!!!  This was one of the 2 true happy surprises that people have ever pulled on me.  I'm still mad and love Christine for it.

I remember spending my 24th Birthday working at the drag race strip with my ambulance partner.  He handed me a container of Pringles Sour Cream & Onion potato chips and said "Happy Birthday".  I proceeded to cry for an hour, babbling about how my life sucked and I didn't see it getting any better.  So I made some changes and spent my 25th birthday in the hospital with my brand new baby girl, now being a single mom of 2 kids.

My 30th was full of mixed feelings.  My friends gave me a small, intimate gathering that I attended after dropping my kids off at the airport to go to Texas to visit their biological father for the summer.  That was an interesting summer.  I had a nervous breakdown.

The next birthday that stands out was my 33rd.  I just had yet another beautiful baby girl.  Steve, my awesome son, and his friend Mike brought me a birthday cake they bought at Stewarts.  That was one of the few cakes I've gotten as an adult.  Which is sad, because we all know how much I love CAKE!!!  Then there was my 40th.  I did get flowers... from a friend who lived in Rochester.  Then I spent the evening arguing with Pitman, through text messages, because he went to the race track to "help with a buddy's car".

I was SUPPOSED to have a party last year... but I wont go into that one.  But here I am, 45.  I really wish there were no birthdays.  Just like school dances, Valentines Day, proms and weddings, we are seasoned to have all sorts of beliefs that they are somehow magical.  They aren't.  They are just another day, even though you may or may not get presents and CAKE!!!!  I think that's the whole thing.  Cake.  There is something about cutting into something sweet and delicious with your name on it.  I think the CAKE is the secret to happy birthdays.  Do your loved ones a favor and make sure they get a cake every year on their birthday!!!!  But if you're going to invite me, please stay away from the fondant.  Yes, it looks pretty but I like the thick sicky sweet frosting!!   I think I will stop on my way home from galivanting with my mom and buy myself a cake!!!!  Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!

Setting the Record Straight

I was recently told I "hold on to things too long".  Well, I have a scar on my knee that I've had since the 5th grade.  I can't get rid of it and I'm still afraid of it being damaged.  When I did it, they told me if it broke open, I'd be in trouble because there was no tissue left to sew together.  I know now there are ways around that with skin grafts, but at the time I was little.  Well, fear and pain still affect me the same way.  Some people have brick walls built around them...  I have fragile scar tissue I protect at all costs.

So, I'm sorry if I cant forget the fact that you said I would be the only one then gave your love to another.  I'm sorry that I cant forget that after all I did in the name of friendship, you could throw it away when I had to change jobs.  I'm sorry that I finally had to say no after all those times you took, took, took and never gave anything in return.  I'm sorry that after all the promises you made of great things that I can not forget that, instead, you took the last thing in the world I believed in.  I'm sorry the abuse you put me through, both physical and verbal, are still with me.  I regret that I still get angry at the thought that I've kept my mouth shut all the times I've felt attacked out respect for the one who loves you.

Because of the scars these items have left, and the fear and pain those scars represent, I have taken less and less risk in my life.  Do I hold on to things too long?  I don't believe so.  I just feel I'm not stupid and that I learn from my mistakes.  If I get a little reckless and stupid, I catch a glimpse of that scar, see how it measures up with what I'm doing now, and decide whether to continue or pull back.  Its proven history repeats its self, and there are some things in my life I refuse to repeat.  If I appear secluded and "holding on to things too long", I'm not.  I'm just using common sense.

Oh, and one more thing.  I have not mentioned anything specific to anyone who may read my blog.  So, if you see yourself in any of the above instances, I wasn't talking about you.  I wont bore you with the details and the names, but I can assure you that nobody listed here even KNOWS I have a blog.  Oh, and if you are a creepy stalker from my past who I am actually talking about?  Thank you for making me stronger and my Karma bite you in the butt.

You wont find what you are looking for here....

I know I need to blog.  Sometimes its more of a chore than a joy though.  See, I've spent all weekend alone, as Rob took Cassie to the "Lake House" for the weekend.  I can't post any pictures of it, as I do not have any.  Its a cute log cabin in Indian Lake that his parents own.  Its a Pitman thing, I guess, and even though I've been a Pitman for as long as I was a Richards, I don't fit in.  But, I'm not here to whine about that.  I'm here to whine about other things.  For instance, why is it when I'm all alone, I still get nothing done?  I feel like I've wasted my whole weekend alone.

But mostly what I want to whine about it the fact that I feel I can not say what I really feel because if people's feelings.  I really wish I could be one of those people who didn't care about hurting others.  Do you realize how easy life would be if I could just blurt out any old thing I wanted to?  I probably wouldn't have the heartburn that has been plaguing me lately.  Hell, have you ever heard of cottage cheese giving someone heartburn?  Actually, I'm thinking its all these pregnant women around me that is causing it.  I do have sympathy pains for everyone I come in contact with.

That's another thing.  Why do I feel the pain of others?  Why on earth can't I just go through life all "La de da de da" and not give a flying Flip Wilson about others?  Instead I get to worry about their feelings AND I get to feel their emotional and, sometimes, physical pain.  As if MINE weren't enough?

So, my weekend of seclusion and quiet was short visited.  It was nice that Cassie was able to call and not cry once.  That makes me feel good.  I keep thinking if it goes well, they'll go more often.  I'm an awful person and everyone needs to realize this.

Been a while..... again.....

So, in case there are one or two people that do not know this, I suffer from Bi-Polar disorder.  I'm open to discuss this at any time.  I'm tired of the stigmas and the bias against mental illness and refuse to have that aspect held against me.  I've actually had people be more open and accepting of Gays, Homophobes, and even democrats than they are of us mentals.  But, there you have it.  One of the problems is when I'm very down, or very up, I can seem to get to my blog.  So, I'm writing this because I'm tired of people hollering at me for not blogging.  Oh, please don't STOP hollering if I stop blogging!!!  Its really the best form of therapy that I have.... and it shows me that people miss me when I disappear!!

I'm also homeschooling, in case you forgot.  This week has been a homeschooling bust.  But, I have a year (starting July 1st) to get Cassie through 7th grade curriculum, so I'm not worried.  When I mentioned to my mom that this week is a bust, she says "But are you following the standards?"  That made me realize that people really do not understand what it takes to be a home schooler.  My standards?

For grades seven and eight: English (two units); history and geography (two units); science (two units); mathematics (two units); physical education (on a regular basis); health education (on a regular basis); art (one-half unit); music (one-half unit); practical arts (on a regular basis) and library skills (on a regular basis). The units required herein are cumulative requirements for both grades seven and eight.

Cassie and her new Swim Suit!

There you have it.  I have to school her for 990 hours on what you read there.  Oh, if you search harder, you find that the history & geography is NYS history and constitution, and US history and constitution.  I still cant figure out the science, and the math is basically just continue to practice and master what she's been doing for the past few years.  English?  Read everything and write it about it.  There you have it.  Home schooling.  So far we found we love field trips.  They can fall into so many different categories!!!  For instance, we did a LOT of math and life skills on Tuesday and Wednesday, when we went shopping to spend her gift cards.  She even learned how to make an exchange!!!!  And I also found out she's a bargain hunter like her mom.  That's how she walked out of Penny's with a 2 piece swimsuit and a kick ass dress for $40!!!!

Gert and her Hat

But, I really couldn't figure out how to work in today's field trip to pick berries.  When my Mom's best friend, Gert (actually Marilyn, long story.....) showed up wearing a wonderful hat, going on about how she bought a bottle of water and took a wrong turn which is why she was late (and being she was only about 5 minutes late, that is actually EARLY for her....), I realized there was no way.  We saw berries, weeds, a baby slug, and more rear-ends of older chunky women than I want to remember myself.  But, my Mom tried to support my homeschooling agenda.  "Hey, Cassie, this is how they did it in the Colonial Days!  See, they didn't have stores they could go in to buy their food, they had to grow it themselves!"

Mom, stuck on her
Berry Picking Bucket.

I really should support my mother when she tries to support me.... but I couldn't.  I was tired, sore, the sun was on my back, and my mouth opened and out came "That's right.... they went to the local "U-Pick" and got them there!!!"  Boy, did I get in trouble for that one.....  But I have it all under control.  We talked about her vocabulary words on the way home.....  and she got 2 of them mixed up and tried to spell "Hipponerous."  That's when I decided that a useless week every once in a while is ok.  And I'm also wondering if a week long marathon of "Glee" can be counted as "Music".......