Its Not Just Me.

Many people have made comments about how funny my blog is.  Well, I'm not a comedian.  Comedians will tell you they get their material from true life experiences.  And its true.  Funny is all around us.  You just need to realize it.  In my life I've noticed I have two choices.  I can laugh or I can cry.  I have found that laughing is easier on my body than crying.  Well, most of my body.  As I've gotten older, I've noticed that my bladder feels something must leak fluid, and if my eyes aren't doing it, well....  enough said.  But the point I want to make is that funny happens all around us.  Many times its not us being funny, its those around us.  Its important, though, to know when to point out their hilarity and when to remain silent.... until the next day.  I state this because if your kid is hollering at you for a stupid reason, and they are all worked up and their life is about to end because they have a pimple....  it may not be the time to stare and say "At what point do I get to use it as a tax deduction?"  Or, as my mother would do, push on it and say "Wow, that looks like it hurts".

Most of the time its easier just to play along.  Its like that with most kid-issues anyways.  The other day Steve texts me and says "So, what do we think about Masters Degrees?"  There is a TON I could have said.  I knew what he was REALLY saying, and I didn't want to "interfere" with his life decisions.  So I responded "Well, I've always wanted one."

But yesterday LeeAnne texts me and says "My car is broken, there's a HUGE spider in it.  I need a new car."  Well, this IS her new car.  The last car she had she scrapped and forgot to get the license plates off of it.  Trying to get that one off the insurance was a trip.  But I worked miracles... ok, God did, he gave me a DMV employee who wasn't PMSing that day... and we got the non-existent plates returned.  As a good mother, I needed to make sure she learned from her mistakes, so I replied, "Shit!!  Try to get close enough to take the plates off of it this time."  She needed to let me know that I wasn't understanding her plight.  "But its the size of a quarter!  WITH BANDS AROUND ITS LEGS.  IT CAME OUT OF THE MAILBOX! WAHHHHHHHH"  Wow.  I didn't realize what we were dealing with.  I feel like such a bad mommy at this point.  My baby's car has been invaded by a mutant spider, with BANDS!!!  A Mailbox Hardcore Rockin' Spider!!!  When I recount the conversation to Rob, he says "If you can get rid of a live mouse in your sink, she should be able to deal with a little spider."  Rob doesn't get it.  I did, though.  Realizing my mothering mistake, I decide to give her better mothering advice.  "Screw the license plates...  RUN!!!!!"   From my last trip to the DMV to report plates lost or stolen, they told me I needed a police report.  I hope that I can find a cop who, one, isn't PMSing and, two, is a mother.  That's the only way we'll be able to get the report.  I hope that spider enjoys the car, because I'm certain LeeAnne will NOT be getting back in it.

Silence is NOT Consent

I have been silent for too long.  There are a lot of reasons for that.  Its not that life is too busy or too wonderful to keep me from blogging.  Its just I'm not comfortable going off on a bunch of issues that would actually be perfect blogging material.  Some issues are my own fault, some are the faults of others, and some have faults of unknown origins.  See, if I want to vent about my failure to quit smoking, my Mom will be ticked.  If I vent about my lack of sexual desire, well, many people would think that was TMI.  If I bitched about the crap my Ex & his wife are pulling, my kids would see and I would be blamed for disrespecting him.  If I complained about loss of what income I was making, I would not only feel bad because I know there are so many worse off than myself, but I also would be a hypocrite because its something I should have known would happen and I didn't "protect" myself.  But, I cant do this anymore.  I have to stop.  This is MY blog, and what I write is what I feel or am going through.  I have worried far too long about upsetting others and not enough about upsetting myself.

The other night, I got seduced.  I so wanted to blog about it, but I was afraid of offending some with too much information.  I was afraid of embarrassing my children and my mother.  I was afraid of causing problems with my husband.  But, it struck me as funny, so screw it.  I will tell you about it.  Please remember I'm now a homeschooling mother.  So, I spent the day teaching Cassie..  ummm.... stuff,  cleaning up pet messes, general housework, ect.  Plus I had the awesome opportunity to remove a live mouse from my kitchen sink while Cassie was crying and screaming hysterically that she hated Daddy because he wouldn't come take care of it.  Even though I got rid of this annoyance, I didn't get the credit I was due.  So, by the time 8:30-9:00 came around, I was looking forward to some down time and then it happened.

I got seduced.

It was so...  I dont know what the word is.  Amazing?  no, thats not it.  Incredible?  no, thats not it.  Incredulous?  Thats closer....  It was 9:00 and I was playing Words with Friends and Pitman was watching something on TV when he looks over at me and says "At the risk of pissing you off, wanna go to bed at 9:30 instead of 10?"  See?  Romance ISN'T DEAD!!!!  Just my sex drive.  And there you have it.

The Loss of This Year's Mother's Day Gift

I just caused another reason why I wont win Mother of the Year. See, I didn't pay the phone bill, which has our TV bundled with it. They turned off only a few channels, but they were CASSIE'S channels... oh, and Rob's too, but he wasn't home when this was found out. The TV is very important to those two. Since its off all day, I didn't notice. AND I didn't realize how important it was until Cassie ran outside absolutely hysterical. I thought she found a dead body, for crying out loud!! Well, I paid them and left Robert specific instructions on how to get the TV turned back on (I knew he'd do it because HIS shows were also affected) because we had to get to Paul's.  


Paul, in case you were wondering, is our Autism Consultant.  He's a great guy and really helps us figure things out.  He's also an awesome advocate.  I will never walk into another CSE meeting alone!!  Paul is also one of Cassie's least favorite people.  See, Paul will challenge her.  Its ok if Mom challenges her, probably because I have legal rights to hit her and take away things, like the TV.  Paul just has no right to ask her these questins that make her uncomfortable.  And when she acts up, he doesn't care.  He doesn't get mad.  Even when she chucks a lego at him!  ANYWAY,  she was so upset about the TV, she didn't want to be in the house at all, and actually WANTED to go to Paul's. There was no fight at all to get her in the car!  Once again Paul was mean to her, and then had the gall to beat us in Scrabble.  HOWEVER, instead of throwing the board at him like when she lost "Trouble", she asked me if I wanted her to throw the board at him, and then didn't when I said no!!  I LOVE progress!!!!


When we started off for home, she immediately called Daddy to say we are on our way home AND "Are my shows working yet?" The answer was "yes" and all is good in the world. I'm hoping she has forgiven me for my little slip up!!! I was really hoping for a Mother's Day present this year!!!

Planning the Best Vacation, EVER!

So, a few years back, when LeeAnne was a Junior in High School, Robert and I decided it was time to take a real vacation.  We wanted to go to Disney World.  But we had to figure out if we could really do it.  We started planning this about the beginning of the year and decided we'd use our tax returns.  But, in case it fell through, I didn't want to tell the girls.  But, the nosy little buggers are worse than the CIA when it comes to spying.  They'd both make awesome detectives, too.  So, I had to tell them SOMETHING!!  So I told them Rob and I decided it was time for a family vacation.  Immediately they said they wanted to go to Disney.  I had to throw them off.  And it was easier than you'd think it would be.

"Oh, you guys are so funny!!!  Like we'd get enough back from tax returns to do THAT!!!"  Yes, they looked crestfallen, but that didn't stop them from whining.  "But don't worry, I'm THE MOM, remember?  I'll come up with something amazing!  Just wait and see!!!"

If you've ever had a Mom say those words when you were a teen, you know you are about to be let down and your life, from now on, is over.  Ruined.  Mom's suck.  I know this, and I played on it.  So, as we were getting closer to realizing the dream of taking them to Disney, we had more Vacation Pow-wows, and the girls got suspicious again.  So, I called a family meeting and instructed Rob to sound excited about everything I said.  I know now why I had to say that, and I'm so thankful he played around, jumping in an adding crap to it.  And I unveiled the plan for our Family Vacation!

"Rob and I have decided its time to explore the mid-western United States!!!  We will start this year in Ohio, the Buckeye state!!  It's going to be so cool!!  We will take the camper and camp at a few different camp grounds.  We'll get to see how life was in the "old days" and actually get to work on a farm!!  They let you hay fields, tend crops, feed the animals, muck their stalls, and milk the cows!!!  We get to SLOP A HOG!!!!  And there are so many museums!!  The history of farm equipment, how crops go from a seed to the store, and we even get to tour an Automobile plant!!  We'll do that the same day we go to the Henry Ford Museum and learn about the invention of the car!!"

Of course, at this point my two GIRLS were about to vomit.  I think I really saw tears in LeeAnne's face.  "Isn't there at least an amusement park anywhere?"  "Oh, yes, LeeAnne, of course... but we'll be too busy to go.  I've been saving the best for last!!  They actually have the National Grass Museum!!!  This place is so great that they even took a camera, set it up and took pictures at set intervals and turned it into a movie!!!  We actually get to WATCH GRASS GROW!!!!"  and I adjourned the meeting.  hehehehe  We get to watch grass grow on our vacation!!  Because I was holding in my laughter, I came off as extremely excited.

Four days later, was Valentines Day.  They each opened up their cards which stated "Violets are Blue, Roses are Prickly, on June 17th, say "HI" to Mickey!!!"  And their dreams of watching grass grow were dashed, but they seemed ok with it.

The moral of this story?  Its always fun to screw with your kids.

Road Trip!!

This morning I had the opportunity to spend a little one on one time with Robert.  It doesn't happen very often, which we both know is not a good thing.  But this morning we needed to get him to his truck, which Todd, my "Little Brother", fixed for us this weekend.  Let me tell you about Todd.  He is actually my step-brother, or would be if NY had a common-law marriage.  He is a real big guy and I think he could easily kick Pitman's ass.  And that is saying a LOT.  You'd understand if you know my husband!  But Todd is a teddy bear, and what any girl would like to have for a brother.  He is a lot like Les, in that I don't think I would have survived growing up with both of them in the same house without developing paranoid schizophrenia and a permanent tick.  But just like Les, he'd give you the shirt off his back if you needed it.  But he'd probably do something to it first that everyone would laugh about for years after he gave it to you!!  Since we've moved up to Central New York he's also become our mechanic.  Since he lives near my Mom, I have to stop by to see her each time we go over there.  Todd says if we don't, we'll be put on the list.  He's a little afraid since I didn't stop and see the folks when we were down Friday night.

I said it was a
BIG CHICKEN!

Anyway's, Robert and I brought Cassie to school and headed for breakfast.  We decided to go to Flo's Diner, Home of the 10cent Coffee.  It was pretty decent food.  Mom says the coffee sucks, but I enjoyed it, but since I only had 1 cup before I left the house, I was too desperate to be picky.  Pitman and I sat across the booth and stared into each other's eyes, and....... realized we had nothing to talk about.  I told him this was kind of sad and that since I didn't want to talk about sports, the weather, Cassie or autism, there was nothing to talk about.  So we stared into each others eyes some more and I lovingly said, "I did hear something about pink slime in meat....", he said he heard it was human remains.  I changed the subject.  As we went to leave, I saw there was a huge chicken.  I decided I wanted to remember this special day, and asked Pitman to take a picture of me with the big chicken.  We then continued on to Todd's house, got his truck and loaded it up with his stuff so he could head to the Lake House to spend the week trying to kill some turkeys.  As we were saying our good bye's, he said to me what all women desire to hear from the man in their lives.  "I'm gonna have to go to your mom's to poop, breakfast hit bottom".

I'm really thinking that maybe Robert & I need to take "Putting some Romance in your Marriage" classes.  We are both at a loss when it comes to that subject.  We can't blame only Pitman for this.  After all, I'm the one who got excited when I saw the Big Chicken!

ADM Spring Dinner

In case you didn't know, I am a Brother in a Fraternity.  No, I'm NOT a Sister, I am a Brother, and I have a ton of other Brother's, too....  a lot of them female.  I pledged Alpha Delta Mu in the spring of 1986.  Best decision of my life.  Many of the people I write about, hang out with, and love are part of this same Fraternal Organization.  As a matter of fact, when I married, I married my Brother.  We always laugh and say "Incest is Best".  We are a crude bunch, but I love them and I've always been able to be myself with them.  We offically get together three times a year.  This weekend is one of them.  It is our Spring Weekend.

My day started with taking Rob to the Annual Golf Tourney, so I could have the car for more important things.. like shopping with another Brother, who is staying with us for the weekend.  She brought Marley's new BFF, Gil.  Roscoe isn't happy that his little brother has a new BFF, but he's dealing.  So, Soo and I went shopping and bought new dresses.  We looked amazing!!

Me, looking all sorts
of amazing!

But before we could dress up, we had to decorate the firehouse.  We had some black and red (our colors) and white plastic table cloths, some "Crap Paper" as another friend and Brother, Laurie, likes to call it.  Oh, also a bolt of molting tulle and assorted colorful flowers.  We did the best we could.  The best was the centerpieces that Laurie made with these disgusting growing gel things, water, and candles.  That woman is amazing, but if I never touch another of those little gel balls, it'll be too soon.

After the dinner, we had our meeting, and we nominated officers for next year.  Once again I was nominated for Secretary.  I lost that election last year, and I'm thinking about withdrawing because I hate losing.  Especially an election, because that means people don't like me.  But I'm GOOD at that post!!  I have experience!! I have PAID experience!!!  And I'm good.  If only people would give me a chance to show how good I am at it.  I amaze myself.  Pitman was nominated for Vice President.  I'm expecting him to get all anxious and withdraw.  He shouldn't.  He doesn't give himself enough credit!  I nominated Soo for president.  I think she'd be amazing and I hope the other brother's give her a chance.  Her ex-husband was president for a while....  we all know that she ended up doing a lot of his work, so she has experience.

We wrapped up the night by going to my friends (and Brother's) the Bibik's house for a rousing game of Sour Apples to Apples, where I kicked butt and won!!!!!  Today we have the Spring Picnic.  I'm making my Awesome Cole Slaw.  It will be amazing as always!!  I also plan on reading up on synonyms for the word "Amazing", so I stop using it so much.  Its getting a bit redundant in my life!

It's Not Always a Riot

There are times I need to be serious.  There are times when I need to blow off steam.  There are times I just need to scream.  Usually I just take a nap, but since I already had one today, I'll just fill you in on a decision I have made.  I have decided to homeschool Cassie.  I've been toying with it for many years.  "They" say I shouldn't.  Pitman feels I can't handle it.  Many people in my life feel this is a bad decision.  I'm sorry.  I feel its the only way.

I worked in a high school, and I saw what happens there.  I'm watched what public schools did to my two eldest, especially my lovely LeeAnne.  I'm now watching what its doing to my little Cassie.  People say "But what about the socialization?"  I'm thinking I don't really WANT her socializing with those she goes to school with.  In Liverpool it was a bunch of over-dramatic spoiled little Kardashian-wanna-bes.  Here I find out my little girl is starting to curse like a sailor and has plans on becoming a "Bad-Girl" just so she'll fit in.  

Instead of complaining without being able to offer a suggestion to fix it, I've decided just to do it myself.  Yeah, she may not spend a Friday Afternoon watching "Smurfs, The Movie", but is that such a bad thing?  I'm not really a Smurf Fan, anyways!  I'm actually getting excited.  I LOVED teaching my students when I was in Rondout!  There was nothing better than getting the lightbulb over their head when they understood what I was saying.  Also, while teaching Cassie I'll be learning, too!!  That means I'll be able to answer even MORE Jeopardy questions than before!!!  It will also make me more useful on the Trivia Dream Team I'm putting together to compete at local bars!!!  Oh, and I'm sure I'll be able to blog more, because I get most of my material from my dealings with Cassie and Robert, anyways!!!

Yes, I think this is the best all-around decision I've made in a while.