Thursday, June 28, 2012

ROAD TRIP


I started posting in my Autism Connections Support group Facebook page, then I realized this would make a good blog.  So, I'm here.  Its hard to post so often when there really isn't much going on in my life.  So when something different happens, I get excited.  Whether it will be good or bad, its still kind of exciting.


We leave tomorrow morning, 6am, for a day trip from hell.  We are moving my son, Steve, from Philadelphia to Brooklyn and then heading home.  Pitman has taken the day off of work at my request.  I knew he wouldn't have a problem with it.  See, he hates if I go on any adventure by myself.  I'm glad he's going because he's a bull moose when it comes to moving things (he picks things up and puts them down) and he'll insist on driving.  I'm not sure what bothers me more, though...  Riding with him while he drives in New York City, or driving his truck in NYC myself!!


You see, my Baby Boy has gone and gotten himself a job in New York City!!  He should be so proud of himself, because we are proud of him!!  He gets to leave Benny's, WaWa, Chilis, and all the other places behind him and enter the adult world of CAREER instead of job!!!  He has come a long way on a very difficult road, and this Mom couldn't be happier!!!

Regardless, it comes to about 12 hours in the car.  There is not enough ANYTHING to keep a kid occupied in a car for 12 hours.  Let alone an autistic kid.  I asked Rob last night how far he thinks we'll get before I'm ready to throw myself out of the moving truck.  He thinks I'll make it to the PA border, or at least out of the driveway.

As everyone knows, we've had some changes in our financial status, and money is very tight.  So I've informed my loved ones we'll be doing this trip in the Dunlap fashion.  Meaning we will NOT buy any food while we are out.  There is an exception...  if I'm able to conveniently get a Slurpee, we are stopping.  I love Slurpees.  I even have a song about how much I want them.  I will sing it to Pitman and he will roll his eyes.  But I think he secretly loves the songs I make up and sing to him.  ANYWAYS....  I have to get busy this morning making muffins to take with us for breakfast.  I need to make some extra to give to Steve, too.  I will also be making some Chocolate Chip cookies.  Then comes the sandwiches.  I informed Rob and Cassie that during the trip they WILL be referred to as "Eggie Weggie" and "Tuney Wooney".    That caused more giggling and eye rolling.  You guess which family member did what.  I did not tell them that I was not making the 3rd, and my favorite, "Hammy Wammy".  I've also decided to make an Italian Pasta Salad, because Cassie will eat that, too.  Then there is the cooler of ice water.  I go no where without my ice water, especially when we are looking at 90 degree weather with heat indexes.  


So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on our own "Boilermaker Marathon" tomorrow.  I truly hope the Lord blesses us with a safe journey where I'm able to deal with 12 hours of being enclosed in a small box with Rob and Cassie, and that I really can make it out of the driveway without throwing myself out of the moving vehicle.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Today I am 45.

Today is my birthday.  At 5:56am I turned 45.  I hate birthdays.  I hate getting over.  I feel this is the birthday that marks the milestone that my life is 1/2 over.  <pout>  its very sad.  very sad.  But I could be wrong.  I could die tomorrow in a horrific tree cutting accident.  That is even sadder because, with the exception of 3 wonderful children, I really have nothing to show for it.

Birthdays haven't always sucked.  I remember my 6th birthday.  My mom took me and a bunch of friends to see Cinderella in the movie theater.  We didn't do movies or parties very often, and this was HUGE for me!! Oh, by the way, I AM Cinderella.  The person who wrote "Wicked" also wrote a book about the alternate story of Cinderella. I will NOT read this for fear of realizing I'm, I mean Cinderella, isn't as innocent as I thought.  But I digress.  We are talking birthdays.  For some reason, I also correlate getting my EasyBake Oven on this day, but I could be mistaken.


Birthdays started sucking when I turned 16.  I had an AWESOME surprise 16th Birthday, thrown for me by my very well meaning friends.  But, see, it has always been hard to surprise me, and I started picking up on something being wrong a few weeks before.  They started treating me different and I thought I was losing my best friend.  Then my mom took me to the mall to buy me a pair of Manisha pants.  You probably don't know what these were, but they were HUGE in my school and I was excited to actually wear something in style.  But, me being who I am, I got Hawaiian shirts, too.  hehehhehe  I've always had my own fashion style!  On the way to the mall, I saw Christine and Cathy in the car together and felt like an outcast.  It's MY birthday, and they were too busy to spend it with ME!!!  I felt like an idiot on my return, as they all (including a friend, Jimmy, who rode his bicycle from Utica to Clayville) jumped out and yelled "Happy Birthday"!!!!  This was one of the 2 true happy surprises that people have ever pulled on me.  I'm still mad and love Christine for it.

I remember spending my 24th Birthday working at the drag race strip with my ambulance partner.  He handed me a container of Pringles Sour Cream & Onion potato chips and said "Happy Birthday".  I proceeded to cry for an hour, babbling about how my life sucked and I didn't see it getting any better.  So I made some changes and spent my 25th birthday in the hospital with my brand new baby girl, now being a single mom of 2 kids.

My 30th was full of mixed feelings.  My friends gave me a small, intimate gathering that I attended after dropping my kids off at the airport to go to Texas to visit their biological father for the summer.  That was an interesting summer.  I had a nervous breakdown.

The next birthday that stands out was my 33rd.  I just had yet another beautiful baby girl.  Steve, my awesome son, and his friend Mike brought me a birthday cake they bought at Stewarts.  That was one of the few cakes I've gotten as an adult.  Which is sad, because we all know how much I love CAKE!!!  Then there was my 40th.  I did get flowers... from a friend who lived in Rochester.  Then I spent the evening arguing with Pitman, through text messages, because he went to the race track to "help with a buddy's car".

I was SUPPOSED to have a party last year... but I wont go into that one.  But here I am, 45.  I really wish there were no birthdays.  Just like school dances, Valentines Day, proms and weddings, we are seasoned to have all sorts of beliefs that they are somehow magical.  They aren't.  They are just another day, even though you may or may not get presents and CAKE!!!!  I think that's the whole thing.  Cake.  There is something about cutting into something sweet and delicious with your name on it.  I think the CAKE is the secret to happy birthdays.  Do your loved ones a favor and make sure they get a cake every year on their birthday!!!!  But if you're going to invite me, please stay away from the fondant.  Yes, it looks pretty but I like the thick sicky sweet frosting!!   I think I will stop on my way home from galivanting with my mom and buy myself a cake!!!!  Happy Birthday to ME!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Setting the Record Straight

I was recently told I "hold on to things too long".  Well, I have a scar on my knee that I've had since the 5th grade.  I can't get rid of it and I'm still afraid of it being damaged.  When I did it, they told me if it broke open, I'd be in trouble because there was no tissue left to sew together.  I know now there are ways around that with skin grafts, but at the time I was little.  Well, fear and pain still affect me the same way.  Some people have brick walls built around them...  I have fragile scar tissue I protect at all costs.

So, I'm sorry if I cant forget the fact that you said I would be the only one then gave your love to another.  I'm sorry that I cant forget that after all I did in the name of friendship, you could throw it away when I had to change jobs.  I'm sorry that I finally had to say no after all those times you took, took, took and never gave anything in return.  I'm sorry that after all the promises you made of great things that I can not forget that, instead, you took the last thing in the world I believed in.  I'm sorry the abuse you put me through, both physical and verbal, are still with me.  I regret that I still get angry at the thought that I've kept my mouth shut all the times I've felt attacked out respect for the one who loves you.

Because of the scars these items have left, and the fear and pain those scars represent, I have taken less and less risk in my life.  Do I hold on to things too long?  I don't believe so.  I just feel I'm not stupid and that I learn from my mistakes.  If I get a little reckless and stupid, I catch a glimpse of that scar, see how it measures up with what I'm doing now, and decide whether to continue or pull back.  Its proven history repeats its self, and there are some things in my life I refuse to repeat.  If I appear secluded and "holding on to things too long", I'm not.  I'm just using common sense.

Oh, and one more thing.  I have not mentioned anything specific to anyone who may read my blog.  So, if you see yourself in any of the above instances, I wasn't talking about you.  I wont bore you with the details and the names, but I can assure you that nobody listed here even KNOWS I have a blog.  Oh, and if you are a creepy stalker from my past who I am actually talking about?  Thank you for making me stronger and my Karma bite you in the butt.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

You wont find what you are looking for here....

I know I need to blog.  Sometimes its more of a chore than a joy though.  See, I've spent all weekend alone, as Rob took Cassie to the "Lake House" for the weekend.  I can't post any pictures of it, as I do not have any.  Its a cute log cabin in Indian Lake that his parents own.  Its a Pitman thing, I guess, and even though I've been a Pitman for as long as I was a Richards, I don't fit in.  But, I'm not here to whine about that.  I'm here to whine about other things.  For instance, why is it when I'm all alone, I still get nothing done?  I feel like I've wasted my whole weekend alone.

But mostly what I want to whine about it the fact that I feel I can not say what I really feel because if people's feelings.  I really wish I could be one of those people who didn't care about hurting others.  Do you realize how easy life would be if I could just blurt out any old thing I wanted to?  I probably wouldn't have the heartburn that has been plaguing me lately.  Hell, have you ever heard of cottage cheese giving someone heartburn?  Actually, I'm thinking its all these pregnant women around me that is causing it.  I do have sympathy pains for everyone I come in contact with.

That's another thing.  Why do I feel the pain of others?  Why on earth can't I just go through life all "La de da de da" and not give a flying Flip Wilson about others?  Instead I get to worry about their feelings AND I get to feel their emotional and, sometimes, physical pain.  As if MINE weren't enough?

So, my weekend of seclusion and quiet was short visited.  It was nice that Cassie was able to call and not cry once.  That makes me feel good.  I keep thinking if it goes well, they'll go more often.  I'm an awful person and everyone needs to realize this.


Thursday, June 14, 2012

Been a while..... again.....


So, in case there are one or two people that do not know this, I suffer from Bi-Polar disorder.  I'm open to discuss this at any time.  I'm tired of the stigmas and the bias against mental illness and refuse to have that aspect held against me.  I've actually had people be more open and accepting of Gays, Homophobes, and even democrats than they are of us mentals.  But, there you have it.  One of the problems is when I'm very down, or very up, I can seem to get to my blog.  So, I'm writing this because I'm tired of people hollering at me for not blogging.  Oh, please don't STOP hollering if I stop blogging!!!  Its really the best form of therapy that I have.... and it shows me that people miss me when I disappear!!

I'm also homeschooling, in case you forgot.  This week has been a homeschooling bust.  But, I have a year (starting July 1st) to get Cassie through 7th grade curriculum, so I'm not worried.  When I mentioned to my mom that this week is a bust, she says "But are you following the standards?"  That made me realize that people really do not understand what it takes to be a home schooler.  My standards?

For grades seven and eight: English (two units); history and geography (two units); science (two units); mathematics (two units); physical education (on a regular basis); health education (on a regular basis); art (one-half unit); music (one-half unit); practical arts (on a regular basis) and library skills (on a regular basis). The units required herein are cumulative requirements for both grades seven and eight.

Cassie and her new Swim Suit!
There you have it.  I have to school her for 990 hours on what you read there.  Oh, if you search harder, you find that the history & geography is NYS history and constitution, and US history and constitution.  I still cant figure out the science, and the math is basically just continue to practice and master what she's been doing for the past few years.  English?  Read everything and write it about it.  There you have it.  Home schooling.  So far we found we love field trips.  They can fall into so many different categories!!!  For instance, we did a LOT of math and life skills on Tuesday and Wednesday, when we went shopping to spend her gift cards.  She even learned how to make an exchange!!!!  And I also found out she's a bargain hunter like her mom.  That's how she walked out of Penny's with a 2 piece swimsuit and a kick ass dress for $40!!!!

Gert and her Hat
But, I really couldn't figure out how to work in today's field trip to pick berries.  When my Mom's best friend, Gert (actually Marilyn, long story.....) showed up wearing a wonderful hat, going on about how she bought a bottle of water and took a wrong turn which is why she was late (and being she was only about 5 minutes late, that is actually EARLY for her....), I realized there was no way.  We saw berries, weeds, a baby slug, and more rear-ends of older chunky women than I want to remember myself.  But, my Mom tried to support my homeschooling agenda.  "Hey, Cassie, this is how they did it in the Colonial Days!  See, they didn't have stores they could go in to buy their food, they had to grow it themselves!"

Mom, stuck on her
Berry Picking Bucket.
I really should support my mother when she tries to support me.... but I couldn't.  I was tired, sore, the sun was on my back, and my mouth opened and out came "That's right.... they went to the local "U-Pick" and got them there!!!"  Boy, did I get in trouble for that one.....  But I have it all under control.  We talked about her vocabulary words on the way home.....  and she got 2 of them mixed up and tried to spell "Hipponerous."  That's when I decided that a useless week every once in a while is ok.  And I'm also wondering if a week long marathon of "Glee" can be counted as "Music".......