Its Not Just Me.

Many people have made comments about how funny my blog is.  Well, I'm not a comedian.  Comedians will tell you they get their material from true life experiences.  And its true.  Funny is all around us.  You just need to realize it.  In my life I've noticed I have two choices.  I can laugh or I can cry.  I have found that laughing is easier on my body than crying.  Well, most of my body.  As I've gotten older, I've noticed that my bladder feels something must leak fluid, and if my eyes aren't doing it, well....  enough said.  But the point I want to make is that funny happens all around us.  Many times its not us being funny, its those around us.  Its important, though, to know when to point out their hilarity and when to remain silent.... until the next day.  I state this because if your kid is hollering at you for a stupid reason, and they are all worked up and their life is about to end because they have a pimple....  it may not be the time to stare and say "At what point do I get to use it as a tax deduction?"  Or, as my mother would do, push on it and say "Wow, that looks like it hurts".

Most of the time its easier just to play along.  Its like that with most kid-issues anyways.  The other day Steve texts me and says "So, what do we think about Masters Degrees?"  There is a TON I could have said.  I knew what he was REALLY saying, and I didn't want to "interfere" with his life decisions.  So I responded "Well, I've always wanted one."

But yesterday LeeAnne texts me and says "My car is broken, there's a HUGE spider in it.  I need a new car."  Well, this IS her new car.  The last car she had she scrapped and forgot to get the license plates off of it.  Trying to get that one off the insurance was a trip.  But I worked miracles... ok, God did, he gave me a DMV employee who wasn't PMSing that day... and we got the non-existent plates returned.  As a good mother, I needed to make sure she learned from her mistakes, so I replied, "Shit!!  Try to get close enough to take the plates off of it this time."  She needed to let me know that I wasn't understanding her plight.  "But its the size of a quarter!  WITH BANDS AROUND ITS LEGS.  IT CAME OUT OF THE MAILBOX! WAHHHHHHHH"  Wow.  I didn't realize what we were dealing with.  I feel like such a bad mommy at this point.  My baby's car has been invaded by a mutant spider, with BANDS!!!  A Mailbox Hardcore Rockin' Spider!!!  When I recount the conversation to Rob, he says "If you can get rid of a live mouse in your sink, she should be able to deal with a little spider."  Rob doesn't get it.  I did, though.  Realizing my mothering mistake, I decide to give her better mothering advice.  "Screw the license plates...  RUN!!!!!"   From my last trip to the DMV to report plates lost or stolen, they told me I needed a police report.  I hope that I can find a cop who, one, isn't PMSing and, two, is a mother.  That's the only way we'll be able to get the report.  I hope that spider enjoys the car, because I'm certain LeeAnne will NOT be getting back in it.

Silence is NOT Consent

I have been silent for too long.  There are a lot of reasons for that.  Its not that life is too busy or too wonderful to keep me from blogging.  Its just I'm not comfortable going off on a bunch of issues that would actually be perfect blogging material.  Some issues are my own fault, some are the faults of others, and some have faults of unknown origins.  See, if I want to vent about my failure to quit smoking, my Mom will be ticked.  If I vent about my lack of sexual desire, well, many people would think that was TMI.  If I bitched about the crap my Ex & his wife are pulling, my kids would see and I would be blamed for disrespecting him.  If I complained about loss of what income I was making, I would not only feel bad because I know there are so many worse off than myself, but I also would be a hypocrite because its something I should have known would happen and I didn't "protect" myself.  But, I cant do this anymore.  I have to stop.  This is MY blog, and what I write is what I feel or am going through.  I have worried far too long about upsetting others and not enough about upsetting myself.

The other night, I got seduced.  I so wanted to blog about it, but I was afraid of offending some with too much information.  I was afraid of embarrassing my children and my mother.  I was afraid of causing problems with my husband.  But, it struck me as funny, so screw it.  I will tell you about it.  Please remember I'm now a homeschooling mother.  So, I spent the day teaching Cassie..  ummm.... stuff,  cleaning up pet messes, general housework, ect.  Plus I had the awesome opportunity to remove a live mouse from my kitchen sink while Cassie was crying and screaming hysterically that she hated Daddy because he wouldn't come take care of it.  Even though I got rid of this annoyance, I didn't get the credit I was due.  So, by the time 8:30-9:00 came around, I was looking forward to some down time and then it happened.

I got seduced.

It was so...  I dont know what the word is.  Amazing?  no, thats not it.  Incredible?  no, thats not it.  Incredulous?  Thats closer....  It was 9:00 and I was playing Words with Friends and Pitman was watching something on TV when he looks over at me and says "At the risk of pissing you off, wanna go to bed at 9:30 instead of 10?"  See?  Romance ISN'T DEAD!!!!  Just my sex drive.  And there you have it.

The Loss of This Year's Mother's Day Gift

I just caused another reason why I wont win Mother of the Year. See, I didn't pay the phone bill, which has our TV bundled with it. They turned off only a few channels, but they were CASSIE'S channels... oh, and Rob's too, but he wasn't home when this was found out. The TV is very important to those two. Since its off all day, I didn't notice. AND I didn't realize how important it was until Cassie ran outside absolutely hysterical. I thought she found a dead body, for crying out loud!! Well, I paid them and left Robert specific instructions on how to get the TV turned back on (I knew he'd do it because HIS shows were also affected) because we had to get to Paul's.  


Paul, in case you were wondering, is our Autism Consultant.  He's a great guy and really helps us figure things out.  He's also an awesome advocate.  I will never walk into another CSE meeting alone!!  Paul is also one of Cassie's least favorite people.  See, Paul will challenge her.  Its ok if Mom challenges her, probably because I have legal rights to hit her and take away things, like the TV.  Paul just has no right to ask her these questins that make her uncomfortable.  And when she acts up, he doesn't care.  He doesn't get mad.  Even when she chucks a lego at him!  ANYWAY,  she was so upset about the TV, she didn't want to be in the house at all, and actually WANTED to go to Paul's. There was no fight at all to get her in the car!  Once again Paul was mean to her, and then had the gall to beat us in Scrabble.  HOWEVER, instead of throwing the board at him like when she lost "Trouble", she asked me if I wanted her to throw the board at him, and then didn't when I said no!!  I LOVE progress!!!!


When we started off for home, she immediately called Daddy to say we are on our way home AND "Are my shows working yet?" The answer was "yes" and all is good in the world. I'm hoping she has forgiven me for my little slip up!!! I was really hoping for a Mother's Day present this year!!!

Planning the Best Vacation, EVER!

So, a few years back, when LeeAnne was a Junior in High School, Robert and I decided it was time to take a real vacation.  We wanted to go to Disney World.  But we had to figure out if we could really do it.  We started planning this about the beginning of the year and decided we'd use our tax returns.  But, in case it fell through, I didn't want to tell the girls.  But, the nosy little buggers are worse than the CIA when it comes to spying.  They'd both make awesome detectives, too.  So, I had to tell them SOMETHING!!  So I told them Rob and I decided it was time for a family vacation.  Immediately they said they wanted to go to Disney.  I had to throw them off.  And it was easier than you'd think it would be.

"Oh, you guys are so funny!!!  Like we'd get enough back from tax returns to do THAT!!!"  Yes, they looked crestfallen, but that didn't stop them from whining.  "But don't worry, I'm THE MOM, remember?  I'll come up with something amazing!  Just wait and see!!!"

If you've ever had a Mom say those words when you were a teen, you know you are about to be let down and your life, from now on, is over.  Ruined.  Mom's suck.  I know this, and I played on it.  So, as we were getting closer to realizing the dream of taking them to Disney, we had more Vacation Pow-wows, and the girls got suspicious again.  So, I called a family meeting and instructed Rob to sound excited about everything I said.  I know now why I had to say that, and I'm so thankful he played around, jumping in an adding crap to it.  And I unveiled the plan for our Family Vacation!

"Rob and I have decided its time to explore the mid-western United States!!!  We will start this year in Ohio, the Buckeye state!!  It's going to be so cool!!  We will take the camper and camp at a few different camp grounds.  We'll get to see how life was in the "old days" and actually get to work on a farm!!  They let you hay fields, tend crops, feed the animals, muck their stalls, and milk the cows!!!  We get to SLOP A HOG!!!!  And there are so many museums!!  The history of farm equipment, how crops go from a seed to the store, and we even get to tour an Automobile plant!!  We'll do that the same day we go to the Henry Ford Museum and learn about the invention of the car!!"

Of course, at this point my two GIRLS were about to vomit.  I think I really saw tears in LeeAnne's face.  "Isn't there at least an amusement park anywhere?"  "Oh, yes, LeeAnne, of course... but we'll be too busy to go.  I've been saving the best for last!!  They actually have the National Grass Museum!!!  This place is so great that they even took a camera, set it up and took pictures at set intervals and turned it into a movie!!!  We actually get to WATCH GRASS GROW!!!!"  and I adjourned the meeting.  hehehehe  We get to watch grass grow on our vacation!!  Because I was holding in my laughter, I came off as extremely excited.

Four days later, was Valentines Day.  They each opened up their cards which stated "Violets are Blue, Roses are Prickly, on June 17th, say "HI" to Mickey!!!"  And their dreams of watching grass grow were dashed, but they seemed ok with it.

The moral of this story?  Its always fun to screw with your kids.