"You Need to Consider Counseling"

There are a few things I have heard all my life.  One is "Not everyone is going to like you", my Mother would tell me regularly.  Seriously, I believe it, but I just don't understand it!!  I'm a freakin' SWEETHEART who is just desperate enough to do anything to get people to like me!!!  But, even still, there are some fools out there who simply do not like me.  Another is "You need to learn to relax."  I can't say I believe this or not, because I just can't comprehend what the word "relax" means.  Sit and do nothing?  Complete waste of time.  OH, that reminds me of the time I was kicked out of a stress management workshop.  They were talking about taking long walks in the woods and collecting leaves.  I simply asked what they did with the leaves when they were done, and the instructor said to throw them away.  When I pointed out the fact that I found that task would be a complete waste of time, I was asked to leave.  (I know, I'm simply misunderstood.)

Another very common occurrence is to be told I should seek counseling.  I never thought my drug dealer would tell me that, though.  But, alas, it happened at my last appointment.  Lets get something straight...  I don't actually HAVE a drug dealer in the form of some dude on a street corner in a seedy neighborhood where I pull over to the side of the curb like on TV and he appears at my window.  My drug dealer is my "Pain Management and Rehabilitation Doctor".  People with chronic pain disease processes need to add this doctor into their team.  Why?  Because, darn it, Ehler's Danlos Syndrome (EDS) hurts!!!  Its NOT Multiple Sclerosis, Fibromialgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, or the like, but it is just as painful as those conditions.  So we get management or therapeutic drugs to help us cope.  In some states, I'd be allowed medical marijuana, too!!  But, I'm in NYS so I don't.  But I really dont want it.  I'm still trying to lose weight.  I have 15 more pounds to go, and with all my "medications", its not easy.  Why would I want to add a constant case of the munchies to it?  Oh, and I'm afraid of drug addiction, so I don't have any of the good stuff around that would make people want to rip me off and sell my stuff on the street.  Nah, the most "whipee" of my drugs is a muscle relaxer that is not addictive, but if you read the side effects wrong, you think your tongue can get dizzy.

Once again, I went off on a tangent.  My drug dealer has suggested that I seek counseling from a doctor who specializes in chronic disease processes.  Why?  As he put it, I am a fairly young lady who was living a full and active life, and that was quickly taken from me and it appears to be depressing me.  Do NOT get me wrong.  I love this man.  He is a sweetheart and really seems to get EDS and how this "rare condition" is affecting me.  And he's right.  See, if you are born with certain diseases, or if you have pain from various conditions all your life, then you are relatively used to it.  Its always been that way.  But to have a sudden onset of this crap is completely different, and there is a grieving process I need to go through and I need to relearn to love life differently.  WOAH!  That is some deep stuff.  Deep, philosophical stuff.  Then I remembered a time in my life when I was very interested in deep philosophical stuff.  That was when I was in college!!!!  Oh, and when I was in college, I smoked marijuana, and had even MORE deep, philosophical conversations about really, REALLY important things...  like if the Band got paid to do a gig, did they split the profits, or did it go into a single account to get them to the other gigs.....  No body would answer me, and you know who you are, and this and other questions have been kept alive in my every inquisitive mind all these years. 

And off on another tangent.  It truly isn't easy to loose your mind like this, but its quite enjoyable to try to keep up with me!  So, late in life loss of vibrancy.  To counsel or not to counsel.  To grieve, perchance to see?  Whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous what-evers?  Is it truly to love and to have lost, then to have never had loved at all?  And in what states is Medical Marijuana legal?  And since I love to add photos to my blogs, please enjoy this picture of a bacon turtle burger. 

I Am THE Liaison.

Most of my day to day life entails be being the "Go Between" or the Translator between Cassie and Rob, between Cassie and the world, between Rob and the world, between Marley and Spetch, between Marley and Roscoe, etc.  I have decided I liked the ring of Liaison instead.  It has a very professional sounding ring to it, don't you think?  I like it better than referee, even though I do break up a LOT of fights.  This is the one area of my job that is my least favorite.  I love hanging with Cassie, and I love hanging with Rob, but if I have to hang with both at the same time, I'd rather hang myself.  Until yesterday.

Cassie, Rob & the "Gator Boys"!

As Rob was getting ready to come home from Manhattan, I saw a TV advertisement for the Big East Camper and Outdoor Sportsman Show.  WOW!!!  I LOVE camping and the outdoors!  So does Rob!!  AND there would be hunting and fishing and other stuff Robert loves!!!  And then there is Cassie.  Well, you've all heard me talk about Cassie's "Special Interest" revolving around Disney Teen and other Teen dramas, but she is also very into "The Gator Boys".  The Gator Boys are a group of people in the Everglades of Florida who do alligator rescue, education and wrestling.  You can watch them on Animal Planet, and its a very family friendly show.  Cassie really loves it when Ashley (Rob's favorite) and Sarah (the girlfriend of Jimmy Riffle, one of the leads) get to work with the "gators".  Where is this going?  They were AT the Big East Camper and Outdoor Sportsman Show at the Turning Stone Casino!!!!  We got to meet Jimmy, his brother Andy, the young kid Scott, Rich, and Curtis, who is from the Mississippi Gulf Coast Gators!  After hearing they were going to be there, Cassie was very on board with us having a FAMILY OUTING!!!  Oh, and if the guys weren't a big enough draw for her, Sarah was selling t-shirts at their merchandising table!! 

Cassie & Sarah

I probably, if I really racked my brains, MIGHT be able to come up with a handful of times that Robert and Cassie were both happy doing the same exact thing.  Amusement Parks, Disney Vacations, the idea of going to California to meet Rob's sister Sandy & her family, go playing mini-golf, etc.  It is a very rare occurrence, though, that I can spend the day and not have to bargain with at least one of them at all times.  It was a vacation for me!!  I'm not sure they understand that the one way to make me happy is for THEM to be happy at the same time!  Why?  Just because for a few hours, at least, my life is made easy.  It was a magical day. 

 

Oh, and I even saw a "Porkapine" for the first time ever!!!  I didn't realize how BIG they were!!!!  Yes, it was an amazing day of firsts!!!!

An Unexpected Road Sign on My Stroll Down Memory Lane....

I am diligently working on getting millions of pictures, most I do not even remember taking, scanned into my computer.  This has been a very interesting stroll down the proverbial memory lane, because there is no rhyme or reason to the sequence I'm coming across them.  Except this box I'm doing now.  See, I did try to become organized at one point and time and actually put pictures in almost time sequence, in photo shoe-type boxes, with labels!!!  This has freed my mind up to continue with this very mind numbing process.

Which gives my mind lots of time to think, when I'm not trying to figure out which baby this is in the picture by looking at the surroundings.

Mystery Baby #1

First, when I was growing up, I would ask my mom who were in old pictures.  It really amazed me that she could tell all these babies apart, just by looking at them!!!  Hell, all the bald Mr. Magoos look alike to me, INCLUDING my own children!!  (Once again, I have NEVER claimed to be a good mother.)  Somewhere, before I finished my first box of photos, I realized that I had the same gift my mother did!!!!  I know how to FAKE IT now!!!! Take Mystery Baby #1 pictured to the right.  I can look at the head garter the baby is wearing,  the chair the baby is sacked out in, with the white column in the background, and BAM!!!  This is LeeAnne!!!! 

Mystery Baby #2

Now, Mystery Baby #2, is on a blanket with red piping.  The beautiful wall paper in this kitchen, that has scarred me for life, shows that this is the Clayville house, where Mystery Baby #1 was also photographed.  Also, my mother is in the picture, and she doesn't appear to be heckling me, so she must be helping me.  So, I can deduce that this baby is my Steve.

Mystery Baby #3

So, Mystery Baby #3, it could be tricky to some, but I've gotten good at this.  The material of the seat is cloth, and I'm wearing a TShirt commemorating Tony Stewart racing in the Coca-Cola 600 and the Indy 500 in the same day.  BINGO!!!!  Must be Cassie, who was born later that year!!!  See?  I'm a natural!!!
both

The second thing I realized is that I feel sorry for my ex-husband.  I have never considered that before.  I have loved the man, disliked him, feared him, hated him, laughed at him, but I never felt sorry for him.  But its true.  I'm watching my children growing up AGAIN through these pictures.  Now, even if I sent them all to him, he could see them growing up, but he wouldn't be able to know the FEELINGS behind Steve in front of the Christmas tree in his suit going to the Christmas Ball, or LeeAnne sitting on a rock & playing pool on a Youth Group trip.  Or either of them at their graduation.  I really couldn't imagine missing out on ever the smallest memories.  Decorating Christmas cookies, fooling around with cousins, playing with your baby sister, racing Slinky's down the staircase, carving pumpkins, birthday parties.  I truly hope he was able to enjoy those moments with his step daughters, as Rob enjoyed all three of our kids.  

Halloween 2000

The third thing I'd like to reveal is that I think I may have a problem.  I never really thought of myself as a shutter bug, but there are definitely FAR too many pictures of my kids!!!!  I swear that the first kid that whines that I didn't take as many pictures of them as I did their siblings will have an entire Facebook Photo Album dedicated to their worst photogenic moments!  Tomorrow I will open up the 2nd labeled shoe box, scan another 300 photos, and relive another 2 years of memories.  As  do it, I'll continue thanking the Lord for all he has given me through the years.  I truly have been blessed.

Domestic Terrorist in CNY

I'm certain there are domestic terrorists alive and well in CNY.  Their name?  POTHOLES.

They strike when you least expect it.  They try to eat your car.  They jar your whole body, causing whiplash and excruciating head pain.  They also cause you to say bad words.  Really bad words.  Words that start with F and make your mammas cry.  They lay there, being all "hey!  I'm a road, drive on me!" then

WHAM!

ouch!!!

My poor little car.  OOla never has done ANYTHING to these, these, these MEANIES!!!! 

I'm too angry to continue to blog tonight.  Tomorrow, when I'm more rested and the pulse banging out the beat of a new dance mix drops to a more tolerable level, I will call the first public meeting of CAVEP  (Citizens Against Vehicle Eating Potholes).  Some one bring the refreshments.  I think Cuppy Cakes would be a good choice.

Oh Man!! Me and My Projects!!

I have a problem.  And addiction of sorts.  I like projects.  I like projects, challenges, and trying to master the impossible.  My Mother once told my ex that the fastest way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't do it.  Well, THAT backfired, because I may be a bit of a hard head, but I'm not stupid!

Steve has always been quite the artist!

Why is this a problem?  Well, when I get into a project, I forget to do other things.  That includes eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom.  When I was not yet a Mom, it was cool!!!  Yes, it was embarrassing to call the ER at 3:30 in the morning to ask the procedure for freeing my fingers that I had accidentally super glued together, but it was still cool.  Now that I'm a Mom, though, I have to watch it.  My habit of immersing myself in a project needs to be monitored.

See, somehow, in my 46 years of life, I have amassed 8 boxes of photographs.  Some I haven't seen in about 20 years.  I am taking these pictures and scanning them into electronic media.  There is one box that the outside is severely damaged due to the fact I've lived in some places that didn't have the best places to store things.  I'm hoping I haven't lost all the memories in that box.  Heck, its so old I'm hoping I actually remember the memories hiding in that box! 

And LeeAnne has her way with words!

I finished the first box yesterday and found some interesting things that weren't photos.  Old report cards of my older kids, LeeAnne's writing journals from elementary school and a $50 savings bond, a whole newspaper that I actually read through to see if I could figure out why I saved it (I couldn't figure that out), a few things from Steve's schooling past that says he loves me because I feed him, as well as a little booklet about his pet penguin. 

But I also found a few things I don't know what to do with.  I have 2 butt ugly pictures of my ex-husband, both from when we weren't even together!  I have no clue how these even came into my possession!!  I also found some pictures of a very happy time in my past, but the other couple has recently separated, and its not a happy break up.  Then there are all the blurry trees, sunsets on the lake, and campfires of unidentifiable timelines that look just like every other blurry tree, sunset on the lake, and campfire.  Oh, and a piece of Korean currency, a $2 bill, and 3 baseball cards.

Misc. Surprises

Yes, that was all in the first box.  Today I will START box #2, but I'll do things differently.  I will drink water.  I will potty regularly.  I will continue NOT eating, unless it is meal time, 'cause not snacking is a good thing.  I will do school with Cassie, because I can't do 2 weeks worth of "Utilizing computer hard and soft ware for a photography project" and expect the state not to question me.  Ok, so lets get going!!!!

Oh, and by the way, the ER laughed at me when I asked them, and they nicely told me that fingernail polish remover would do the trick, and if I didn't have any that I could come in and they'd help me out.  I think they just wanted to laugh at me in person.

And she is STILL Autistic....

I got a HUGE reminder of the fact that Cassie is on the Autism Spectrum.  No matter how much I acknowledge this, I still get these reminders.  Sometimes they make me sad.  Sometimes they make me feel like I'm simply a bad parent.  Sometimes they make me feel like my child has some sort of death sentence.  And then we have mornings like today.  When they just make me laugh and enjoy my child.  Every "Autie" has a special interest (SI).  Rob's is sports.  I know of a 6 y/o who's SI is zombies, a 16 y/o has Scoobie Doo, a 10 y/o has numbers and colors, and our 47 y/o Autism Consultant's special interest is actually Autism.  Cassie?  Its complicated.  It started with teen Disney Channel shows and it has increased from there.  One of her shows is Pretty Little Liars.  She can tell you anything about the show, the characters, the actors, the creator, and the producer.  And their families and animals, especially dogs.  The more into the show, the more background on everything, including the location where it is shot and the props that are used.  Before you read the rest of this, please remember that this is a 13 1/2 year old.  She is NOT 8 years old, at least not chronologically. 

So this morning, the cast of Pretty Little Liars (PLL) were "Taking Over Good Morning America".  Well, they had a 3 minute interview spot that started at 8:38.  Cassie woke up, and woke me up, before 7am so we would be sure NOT to miss the show.  Do you realize exactly how long one hour and 38 minutes are?  Well, I dont think you do.  One hour and 38 minutes is actually two and a half days long.  Two and a half days worth of  GMA announching that they are "Coming up" and seven commercials for every little segment they do.

The Girls from Pretty Little Liars

Unable to fast forward through the commercials, Cassie was flopping herself around the living room hollering, "BUT THEY JUST HAD A COMMERCIAL!!!!! MOM!!!! ENTERTAIN ME!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!"  Then she paused the TV and waiting for a while, then fast forwarded it to the next segment.  More flopping, sighing, giggling "MAAAMMMAAAAAA!!!!  PPPLLLLEEEEAASEEEE  make them STOP!!!!" and she pauses it again.  Fast forward again.  "MMOOOMMYYYY  Lets talk!!!"  Ok, Cassie, what do you want to talk about.  "About how this is STUUPPPIIIDDD!!!!"  Do you realize how hard it was not to laugh at her when she came out with "THEY KEEP MESSING WITH MY MIND!!!! Mother!!! Call them and tell them to STOP messing with my MIND!!!!"

My Beautiful Little NON-Liar!!

I was truly ready to help her pick up the pieces of disappointment and anger over the fact that she got to see the cast for a total of 3 minutes.  But it never came.  She was insanely happy when it was over.  To her, it was almost like the anticipation of leaving for Disney, and after 3 minutes of an interview, she returned from Disney happy and refreshed, and ready for the next vacation!!!   

This is also why I'm a little jealous of my Auties.   Can you imagine how wondrous
life would be if we could all experience a magical Disney type vacation in just one hour and 41 minutes?

Happy St. Patricks Day!!!!

Me & My Crazy Hat

Yes, I love St. Patricks Day!!!  I have never celebrated it as a falling down drunk fest.  I celebrate it as being proud of my heritage.  I am mainly a mix of Irish, and Scottish Welsh.  I've also found out that Chiari is more prominent with the celtic race.  Yes, its not just a nationality, it is a race.  I am so tempted to start writing in Irish when forms ask me what my race is.  My nationality is American, but they never ask me that.  Here's a question for you....  if they want us to all be color blind and not notice any ones race, sex, or gender, why do they keep asking those questions on every freakin' form I see?  But, again, I got distracted.  I must push forward, because there is a point here.



Please remember I homeschool and we had a blast with today's celebration!!  We made these little "LUCK" booklets.  You open the "L", and you can see stuff about the why and how we celebrate (never once mentioning over-usage of ale), you lift the U page and see stuff on the "C" page.  Well, on the "K" page, it asks a question.  "What makes you feel lucky".  WOW!!!!  I'm used to writing why I'm thankful at Thanksgiving, what I want for Christmas, and even love poems for Valentines Day.  Never thought of being LUCKY on St. Patricks Day!!  After I thought about it, I had to put down that I feel lucky every time I look at my handsome husband and 3 wonderful children!!

My "LUCK" book!!!!

So, I pose that question to you.  What makes you feel lucky?

The Rising of the Phoenix

I LOVE these!!

Yes, it's been a while.  There are many reasons why.  Excuses are like assholes...  everyone's got them, and nobody wants to see them.  The same can be said for regrets, mistakes, opinions, and bowel movements.  Wait!  I have to amend that.  We do like to see peoples mistakes.  Especially ones made of food and posted to social media with the sarcastic words:  "NAILED IT!!!" 

If you are new to me, read the back posts.  I will let you know that my brain surgery scheduled for January was put on hold.  I will eventually need it, but I didn't in January.  Why?  The gastric by-pass surgery did help with some of my issues, and Dr. Henderson wants to see if Physical Therapy, with an EXTREMELY talented expert in connective tissue disorders can push out the point of needing surgery.  What I have learned in the past few months has really thrown me for a loop.  I will never get better.  I will never be healed.  I will never, ever, be allowed to climb a ladder, or carry things up and down stairs.  After my fusion and decompression surgery, I will have some relief, but it will be temporary.  I will, in all likeliness, need future surgeries.  Its not so much that the chiari will keep regrowing, but the Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) will continue to reek havoc on my body and my bones. 

When I was very young, I had issues with depression.  When I got older, I attempted suicide and was diagnosed as Bi-Polar.  I regret so many of my actions and attitudes as I was growing up.  I really think that if I could have started life in my late 20's, I truly would have been a different person, and I'm not just talking about the big hair and blue eye shadow, oh, and the loss of my really pendulous breasts!!!  But, I dont believe in coincidences, and I've just had one smack me upside the head.

Me & My Girls for Crazy Hat Day!

My mother was saying that she had many hurts when she was younger, a victim of some very evil people.  I said that if they hadn't done what they did, she probably wouldn't have had the strength to endure the many trials she had with my father, and the difficult time she had after his death.  She agreed.  Then I had a discussion with another woman about domestic violence/abuse.  She made me remember the nightmare my first marriage was.  How my life after I left, as a single mother of two small children, was equally as nightmarish, but infinitely safer & happier!!

Because of these two coinciding conversations, I think I am finally ready to enter the retirement stage of my life.  It may not look like much of a life, but it will be mine, and it WILL be fun.  There WILL be more laughter than tears (because it will always hurt more to cry).  Oh, and there WILL be naps!!  Like I ever needed an excuse to nap!!!!  But now I wont care that some people look down on me for it!  I'm sorry, but there will be "NO"s.  Oh, I'll do it lovingly, but I will say no.   I will NOT let myself feel as though I am less than anyone else.  That's been a big problem of mine lately, and I have to stop. 

My Man and I, at the SU Game for Valentines Day

When you see me out in public, I will have a handsome Sasquatch on my arm, or a metallic pink cane somewhere near by!!  Depending on how I'm feeling, I may or may not be wearing a collar.  But, I will always have a smile.

One more thing... there WILL be more blogging....  I've really missed it!!