The Rising of the Phoenix

I LOVE these!!

Yes, it's been a while.  There are many reasons why.  Excuses are like assholes...  everyone's got them, and nobody wants to see them.  The same can be said for regrets, mistakes, opinions, and bowel movements.  Wait!  I have to amend that.  We do like to see peoples mistakes.  Especially ones made of food and posted to social media with the sarcastic words:  "NAILED IT!!!" 

If you are new to me, read the back posts.  I will let you know that my brain surgery scheduled for January was put on hold.  I will eventually need it, but I didn't in January.  Why?  The gastric by-pass surgery did help with some of my issues, and Dr. Henderson wants to see if Physical Therapy, with an EXTREMELY talented expert in connective tissue disorders can push out the point of needing surgery.  What I have learned in the past few months has really thrown me for a loop.  I will never get better.  I will never be healed.  I will never, ever, be allowed to climb a ladder, or carry things up and down stairs.  After my fusion and decompression surgery, I will have some relief, but it will be temporary.  I will, in all likeliness, need future surgeries.  Its not so much that the chiari will keep regrowing, but the Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) will continue to reek havoc on my body and my bones. 

When I was very young, I had issues with depression.  When I got older, I attempted suicide and was diagnosed as Bi-Polar.  I regret so many of my actions and attitudes as I was growing up.  I really think that if I could have started life in my late 20's, I truly would have been a different person, and I'm not just talking about the big hair and blue eye shadow, oh, and the loss of my really pendulous breasts!!!  But, I dont believe in coincidences, and I've just had one smack me upside the head.

Me & My Girls for Crazy Hat Day!

My mother was saying that she had many hurts when she was younger, a victim of some very evil people.  I said that if they hadn't done what they did, she probably wouldn't have had the strength to endure the many trials she had with my father, and the difficult time she had after his death.  She agreed.  Then I had a discussion with another woman about domestic violence/abuse.  She made me remember the nightmare my first marriage was.  How my life after I left, as a single mother of two small children, was equally as nightmarish, but infinitely safer & happier!!

Because of these two coinciding conversations, I think I am finally ready to enter the retirement stage of my life.  It may not look like much of a life, but it will be mine, and it WILL be fun.  There WILL be more laughter than tears (because it will always hurt more to cry).  Oh, and there WILL be naps!!  Like I ever needed an excuse to nap!!!!  But now I wont care that some people look down on me for it!  I'm sorry, but there will be "NO"s.  Oh, I'll do it lovingly, but I will say no.   I will NOT let myself feel as though I am less than anyone else.  That's been a big problem of mine lately, and I have to stop. 

My Man and I, at the SU Game for Valentines Day

When you see me out in public, I will have a handsome Sasquatch on my arm, or a metallic pink cane somewhere near by!!  Depending on how I'm feeling, I may or may not be wearing a collar.  But, I will always have a smile.

One more thing... there WILL be more blogging....  I've really missed it!!